About Me

On a cold and gray Chicago morning, a poor little baby child was born in the ghetto. That has nothing to do with me. My name isn’t Donna Troy, but I have a day job and I write things that some people may find offensive. So, I blog under a fake name. Ergo, my bio is fake as well.

After I was born on a cold and gray Chicago morning, my family moved to Iowa and grew corn. I think that’s what people do in Iowa. I spent a year in Iowa growing corn and going to school. I found kindergarten to be a complete waste of time because they didn’t teach me anything I hadn’t already learned from Sesame Street. I dropped out of school and became a Solid Gold Dancer.

Solid Gold was canceled in 1988. At eleven years old, I was unemployed and an elementary school dropout. One day, I was trying to listen to a record, and I was getting extremely annoyed because it kept skipping. I then tried to listen to a cassette tape and got even more annoyed because of how long it took to fast-forward/rewind to get to the song I wanted to hear. This inspired me to invent the compact disc. I became an overnight billionaire at the age of twelve.

I spent the rest of the late eighties and early nineties traveling the country in search of the fictional city where 21 Jump Street took place because I wanted to marry Johnny Depp. This venture proved to be unsuccessful.

In 1992, I decided I should probably attend high school, but I couldn’t find the fictional school where Fame took place. So, I just sat around the house wearing my leg warmers and reading Nancy Drew books instead. I had hoped to learn enough detective skills to smoke out Johnny Depp, but I only learned about mysteries that take place in old clock towers. Nancy Drew wasn’t very helpful.

In the late nineties, I invested all my billions in something called Pets.com because they had an adorable sock puppet. At the dawn of the new millennium, I was broke.

I’ve spent the last sixteen years working stupid jobs with stupid people and becoming increasingly annoyed by the stupidity I am forced to endure when I should be a dancing billionaire named Mrs. Johnny Depp.

Today, I spend my spare time blogging about stupid shit that annoys me. Johnny Depp is still at large.

Namaste, Bitches

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