Sunday, September 24, 2017

Oh Say Can You Shut The Fuck Up






If a person from another country asked me to explain American football, I would say, a bunch of guys run into each and fall down. I don't understand football and I have no interest in understanding football. It bores me. All sports bore me. I used to think O.J. played basketball. I only found out he was a football player because he allegedly murdered two people. I've got all day long to watch a murder trial. I understand the appeal of murder. I don't understand the appeal of football. I believe I get this from my mom who once asked my sister to change the channel because she “can't listen to ball.”

Last week, a friend of mine posted an article about Colin Kaepernick on Facebook. I only know who Colin Kaepernick is because of the anthem controversy. I don't know what team he played on and I'm not about to Google it because I don't care. Some jackass, who appears to be Facebook stalking my friend, went on a rant about how people have died for our country and he believes kneeling during the national anthem somehow negates that. The Facebook stalker typed this in all caps, which has me concerned for my friends safety. I've found most people who type in all caps are unhinged.

If I understand the Colin Kaepernick controversy correctly, it goes like this:  An absurd amount of unarmed black people have been shot and killed by police. If you're wondering how many unarmed people murdered by police it takes to be considered absurd, the number is one. Colin Kaepernick believes this absurd amount of murder is fucked up. Since Kaepernick is a public figure he used his position to bring attention to all the fucked up murders. In an act of peaceful protest, he chose to kneel during the national anthem. And football fans across America became so enraged they almost spilled their beer.


Can you blame them? I mean, the man kneeled during The Star-Spangled Banner. That's an unforgivable offense. It's not like he panicked during a routine traffic stop, fired seven shots into a vehicle, executing a man for having a broken tail light and traumatizing the four-year-old who was in the back of the car. That's the kind of transgression America is quick to overlook. But kneel during a song and we'll make sure you never appear in a Gatorade commercial. We can't allow you to set a bad example for the children who aren't being shot at.

Facebook Stalker, if you're reading this, I know you think you've won the argument because you typed “people have died” in all caps. However, Colin Kaepernick is kneeling because people have died. The fact that you're more outraged over kneeling than murder has me concerned for my friend's safety.


Colin Kaepernick is not currently on a team because NFL team owners were all like, “Oh lord, he didn't rise for the national anthem. I've got the vapors. Someone bring me my smelling salts.” Then NFL players, and for some reason, Stevie Wonder, were all like, “This is some bullshit.” And they decided to kneel during the anthem. And nothing else matters in America until we resolve this NFL shit.

I don't understand why people are losing their shit over kneeling. That seems kind of respectful. I haven't been to church for anything other than a wedding or funeral in over twenty years, but if memory serves, I believe people kneel to pray. 


If the anthem is truly being played to honor those who have died, kneeling makes more sense. I don't care for the hand over the heart thing. Women don't have an unobstructed path to the heart. If I have to grab my chest in public, someone better be making it rain dollar bills.

This outrage over kneeling seems really hypocritical when you consider the fact that we play the anthem for ridiculous occasions. As I mentioned before, I have no interest in sports. I don't attend ball games. Ergo, I attend zero events where the national anthem is played. I've attended rallies for presidential candidates. I've heard Jon Bon Jovi play Living On A Prayer. I've heard a college marching band play Paula Abdul's Cold Hearted in 2016, no less. I would expect to hear, “Please rise for the national anthem,” at such an event. Instead I heard, “Please enjoy this weird version of a thirty year-old Paula Abdul song.”

Yet, back in the day when TV networks used to sign off at night, they played the national anthem to mark the end of their broadcast day. All across America people in their jammies would rise and exclaim, “Fuck, it's late. I gotta get to bed.”

I've always found the tradition of playing the anthem before ball games to be odd. When  soldiers stormed the beaches of Normandy, I don't think they were worried about being honored at an event where people shove nachos and beer in their face while millionaires knock each other down. Nachos and beer shouldn't be consumed when honoring fallen veterans. It seems undignified somehow.

America, if we really believe The Star-Spangled Banner is sacrosanct, why would we allow Cher to sing it? The NFL books bland pop stars with no range to perform. They water it down to fit their limited range and the result is anti-climatic. I like Cher, but when she sang it was like listening to Mr. Ed sing The Star-Spangled Banner. (For millennials – Mr. Ed is an old sitcom about a talking horse. It's as stupid as it sounds.)


Remember when Roseanne sang it at a baseball game and people were “shocked” because she treated it as a joke? And Roseanne received death threats?  And the dumbass who booked a comedian with no singing talent to sing received zero death threats? I mean, I'm against death threats over a song, but if you feel that strongly about it, at least aim your outrage in the right direction.


The Star-Spangled Banner is a difficult song to sing. Whitney Houston nailed it and no one else should attempt it. I think we should always play Whitney's version or pick a different song for our national anthem. I suggest Party In The U.S.A. by Miley Cyrus. It's easier to sing and the lyrics are easier to remember. “Moving my hips like yeah” is how we actually speak. Don't try to get snotty about it. When was the last time you used ramparts in a sentence?
  
Speaking of people with limited vocabulary, Donald Trump has decided to get involved in this anthem controversy because the job of president apparently affords him a lot of free time.  He's been tweeting non-stop about boycotting the NFL until they fire the players for kneeling. Call me skeptical, but I think Trump may have an ulterior motive in all this. Trump is notorious for his ability to hold a grudge and this isn't his first fight with the NFL. 

Once upon a time, all the way back in the year 1982, a rival football league was created. This was called the United States Football League or USFL. Donald Trump, then a New York realtor with no real accomplishments to speak of, decided to purchase a team called the New Jersey Generals. (I just realized this is probably what he was talking about during the debates when he said he had lots of generals on his team.) The USFL played in the spring. In 1985, Trump pushed the USFL to move their season to the fall to force a merger with the NFL. The owners of the USFL were not aware that Trump was a self-proclaimed brilliant businessman and not an actual brilliant businessman.

Trump then sued the NFL for existing and a judge awarded him three dollars to shut him up. That's right. He won three whole George Washingtons. The USFL went under and lost one hundred and sixty-three million George Washingtons. Because Donald Trump believes nothing is ever his fault, he's been trying to exact revenge on the NFL for thirty-two years.

Now please excuse me while I troll Trump on Twitter.


Namaste, Bitches

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Reclaiming My Time



When I started this blog all the way back in the year 2016, I had no intention of writing about Donald Trump so much. Back then he was just one of many fucktards running for president. Then he won the republican nomination making him the top fucktard. I was surprised, but looking back, I guess I shouldn't have been. Republicans had been courting ignorant racist voters for a long time. And those ignorant racists saw their ignorant racist messiah in Donald Trump. The nomination of Trump was an ugly mark on American history. An ugly mark that was supposed to end after the election. I expected to be writing about the vast right wing conspiracy claiming Hillary Clinton kidnapped one hundred and one dalmatian puppies for their fur. But that didn't happen. I don't know what happened. But I'll find out what happened on Tuesday when I receive my pre-ordered Kindle version of Hillary Clinton's book entitled, What Happened.




In the meantime, I'm fucking sick of Trump. I'm sick of hearing his guttural voice and his ridiculous accent. I'm fucking sick of watching his ties flap against his crotch because he wears them too long. I hate his stupid face. I'm sick of his three chinless children believing they are productive members of society on the sole basis of their father being a self-proclaimed billionaire. I'm fucking sick of waiting for Tiffany to write her tell-all book. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Tiffany Trump:

Dear Tiffany,

Bitch, what are you waiting for? I already gave you the title, The Daughter He Left Behind: The Tiffany Trump Story. If you don't get on it soon, I'm going to write it myself. And I will be selling the rights to your story, which I will be making up, to the Lifetime Movie Network.

Best wishes,
Donna Troy

Anyway, I'm most sick of Trump's constant Mexican bashing to placate his ignorant racist base. I have to address his asshole plan of canceling DACA, but as I have so fervently stated, I'm fucking sick of Trump. Therefore, I am reclaiming my time. I shall be addressing my remarks to the members of his ignorant racist base who believe the cancellation of DACA is good for reasons which are stupid. Please share this blog post with all your ignorant racist relatives, co-workers or neighbors.


Welcome, ignorant racist relatives, co-workers or neighbors of people who read my blog. I'm glad you're here. There are some things we need to discuss about DACA. First, DACA stands for Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals. DACA is not a Mexican gang that will rise up and take over the streets with the guns Obama did not take from you. I know this probably won't calm your fears about Mexican gangs because you're stupid. So you should also know Mexican gangs aren't very scary. Watch West Side Story. It's about a Puerto Rican gang, but I don't think it makes any difference to you. Because I once heard an ignorant racist refer to my Vietnamese neighbors as Mexicans. I'm also about ninety percent sure you don't know Puerto Rico is a U.S. territory. I'm also pretty certain Trump didn't know it until his advisers told him to declare a state of emergency before Hurricane Irma. He was all like, “What do I care about Puerto Rico? Mexico is on their own. I'm building a wall.” Shit. I'm talking about Trump.

Reclaiming my time. 

In West Side Story the Mexi-Rican gang members do some weird dance-y, snapping thing for a fucking eternity before they ever get around to pulling out their switch blades. It provides ample time to run to safety. And you don't have to worry about watching a movie with Mexi-Rican actors. The Puerto Rican lead character, Maria, is played by Russian American actress, Natalie Wood. Her real name was Natalia Nikolaevna Zakharenko and she may or may not have been murdered by the guy from Hart to Hart.


I would love to use this opportunity to make a joke about your chosen messiah and the Russians, but I can't because I'm reclaiming my time. Instead, I'll use this opportunity to remind you that people immigrate here from countries other than Mexico. Believe it or not, white undocumented immigrants roam freely across the nation. And you'll never know who they are because they look just like you. They could be collecting your dead grandma's social security as we speak. If you're still not freaked out by people who look like you, I recommend you watch the 1956 version of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers. Everyone was white in black and white movies. I guess you could watch the 1978 version. The main cast is still all white, but it's unnecessarily longer and I don't care for Donald Sutherland. 


I believe we've established you don't really give a shit about immigration or pod people. Now we need to understand your irrational fear of Mexicans.  We shall explore your top three complaints about DACA and I'll explain why your reasoning is bullshit.

Top Three Bullshit Complaints About DACA

1. DACA is Obama's unconstitutional evil master plan to create more democrat voters.

While I'm often impressed by your ability to invent sweeping conspiracies out of nothing, I must call bullshit. First of all, your irrational hatred of Obama is as intense as my rational hatred of Trump. Secondly, you have no idea if DACA is unconstitutional or not. You've never read the constitution. If you were asked to recite the preamble right now, it would go something like this:

We the people of the United States of America
And to the republic for which it stands
One nation under a groove
Gettin' down just for the funk
Just for the taste of it – Diet Coke


Let's get real. If you cared about the constitution, we wouldn't have a president who thinks there are twelve articles to the constitution. Shit. I'm doing it again.

Reclaiming my time.

DACA doesn't create more democrat voters. Because it doesn't immediately grant citizenship like you seem to believe. It simply allows undocumented immigrants who were brought here as children to apply for green cards or visas without fear of being deported. If democrats were using immigrants to vote illegally in the numbers you claim, I would be writing about President Hillary Fucking Clinton's plan to immediately grant citizenship to everyone with DACA status. 


2.) Mexicans are taking your jobs.

I call bullshit because you can't make up your mind about what's causing your unemployment. You also claim environmental regulations are closing down the factories where you once worked. Mexicans can't be taking your jobs if the jobs don't exist. You need to get specific and name the actual jobs Mexicans are taking from you. For example, say you worked at a Taco Bell and an authentic Mexican restaurant opened up next door. The authentic Mexican restaurant would probably have more customers and the Taco Bell would close. But that's not a great example because Taco Bell serves expired dog food. People just don't want to eat that shit even if there are no other restaurants in the neighborhood.


I only know one example of a white person losing a job due to Mexican interference. A co-worker called a woman who had applied for a position. She asked the woman why she had been out of work for so long. The unemployed woman replied, “Because these Mexicans keep coming over here and taking all the jobs.” That's a stupid thing to say in a job interview no matter what. But when the interviewer's last name is Santana-Cruz, that's stupidity of epic proportions. Needless to say, the woman was not offered the job. And as much as that idiot would like to blame Mexicans for her lack of work, she Archie Bunkered herself out of a job.

It's like when the judge on the Trump University case had a name that sounded too Mexican-y for Trump's taste. And Trump tried to claim the judge was biased against him because of all the racist shit Trump said about Mexicans. And Trump had to settle out of court for millions of dollars because he was guilty as fuck and a new judge wouldn't have changed that.

Shit.

Reclaiming my time.

3.) They don't speak English.

I call bullshit because... So? I truly don't understand why people get such a stick up their ass about this. I live my life every day with the knowledge that there are people in this country who don't speak English. It effects my life not at all. I mean, I occasionally have to press 1 for English, but that takes less than a second. I know a lot of you get, like, psychotically pissed when you have to press 1 for English and I really need you to know it's psychotic.

I was on an elevator with a really stupid co-worker one time. Two other women got on the elevator and began speaking Spanish to each other. My really stupid co-worker kept making weird, jerky, tight-lipped facial expressions at me. I knew she was either having a stroke or she was pissed these women dared to have a conversation in Spanish in her presence. It was the latter. As soon as the other women exited the elevator, really stupid co-worker went off on a really stupid rant. And I had to explain to her I found this elevator ride way more peaceful when I couldn't understand the people talking. Who the fuck cares if two women you don't know want to speak to each other in Spanish? I sure as fuck don't.

Ignorant racist relatives, co-workers or neighbors of people who read my blog, please don't assume it's okay to say ignorant racist shit just because you're alone with another white person. It's not and I find it more disturbing than two strangers speaking Spanish.

Why is it that the people who are so adament everyone in the U.S. must speak English are the people who royally fuck up the English language? Just look at your president/messiah. He says things like “bigly” and “a very against police judge” and tweets things like “an unpresidented act.” I'd love to unpresident that motherfucker. 

 
Fuck me.

Reclaiming my time.

Ignorant racist relatives, co-workers or neighbors of people who read my blog, you may leave my blog now. I'm done with you.

People who read my blog, if you pre-order my book, The Daughter He Left Behind: The Tiffany Trump Story, then I'll start writing it.


Namaste, Bitches

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