Sunday, June 11, 2017

Public Enemy



According to Wikipedia, the term Public Enemy was first widely used in the United States in the 1930s to describe individuals whose activities were seen as criminal and extremely damaging to society. In the 1980s, Public Enemy was widely known as a rap group whose members included Chuck D and Flavor Flav. In the beginning of this century, Flavor Flav was widely known as a reality star due to his idiotic antics on several VH1 shows. Flav was also widely known to use words that don't exist, such as, dramatical.

President Trump is also a man who is extremely damaging to society, an idiotic reality star and a maker-upper of words. Trump learned some new words this week, such as, abuse of power and obstruction of justice. He further learned all the covfefe in the world won't make James Comey go away.

If you're like me, you have a stupid job that requires you to show up on weekdays, which made it difficult to hear the Comey testimony on Thursday. Perhaps, a co-worker disturbed you to ask about some stupid report even though he could clearly see I was wearing my earbuds, Rob. Stupid jobs and co-workers named Rob are the reason C-Span2 exists. They replayed the full testimony later that night and were kind enough to inform me of the running time, allowing me to plan my evening accordingly. They also played the entire testimony without any distractions like stupid breaking news banners.

BREAKING NEWS: THE PRESIDENT HASN'T TWEETED IN AN HOUR

If you have a stupid job and failed to plan your evening around C-Span2's programming schedule, I'm about to break down Comey's testimony for you. You're welcome.

Comey's Written Statement
Comey provided a written statement to the Senate Intelligence Committee the day before he testified. The following is a condensed, paraphrased version of that statement:

I began documenting all interactions with President Trump after our first meeting. Because Donald Trump is a man who once stood in the pouring rain and claimed it wasn't raining, it occurred to me he may be inclined to lie about other things. I did tell Donnie he wasn't personally under investigation at this time. Looking back, that was a mistake as I was talking to a man who interprets the weather to his liking. He interpreted “not personally under investigation at this time” to mean I was promising to never investigate him and was closing the Russia investigation.

On January 27, Trump tried to seduce me with a romantic dinner. After plying me with wine, he demanded I beg for my job and pledge my undying loyalty to The Trump Organization and all it's subsidiaries. We reached a compromise where I promised honesty loyalty. Looking back that was a mistake as I had no idea what the fuck I was promising.

On February 14, Trump threw his entire posse out of the Oval Office so he could speak to me privately about Mike Flynn. Trump said, “He is a good guy and has been through a lot. I hope you can see your way clear to letting this go, to letting Flynn go. He is a good guy. I hope you can let this go.” I agreed Flynn was a good guy. Looking back, that was a mistake as I was talking to a man who interprets the weather to his liking. He interpreted, “he's a good guy” to mean I was closing the investigation.

After this meeting, I asked Jeff Sessions to never leave me alone with the president again. I told him it was getting too creepy for me and I'm the FBI Director. I've seen some shit. Looking back, that was a mistake because Jeff is a shady motherfucker.

On March 30, the president called me complaining about the Russia investigation. He stated Russian hookers were creating a cloud over his administration. He wanted to know what I could do to “lift the cloud.” I advised the president to just pay the hookers what he owes them, then they'll probably go away on their own. He further asked me to publicly state he's not personally under FBI investigation. I said, “I don't know, man. We'll see.” Looking back, that was a mistake as the president clearly didn't recognize I was blowing him off.

On April 11, President Trump called me to ask what I had done about his requests of March 30. I told him to call the Acting Deputy Attorney General and to please leave me alone. He stated he would do that and added, “Because I have been very loyal to you, very loyal; we had that thing you know.”

I have no fucking clue what he meant by “that thing.” My only guess is perhaps he had confused me with Jeff Sessions.

 

Open Session
Almost all the information shared in the open session had already been made public in Comey's written statement. I'm assuming all the really juicy shit was revealed in the closed session. Or the closed session was just an excuse for the senate to have a half day. And the ate pizza and watched a Hallmark movie. We'll only know for sure if members of the Senate Intelligence Committee start quoting lines from Just Desserts: A Murder She Baked Mystery.

Comey opened by speaking about the fucked up way he was fired. He chose not to speak to the press even though Trump was straight up lying about what went down. Then Trump sent out the tweet threatening Comey with “tapes.” Comey was all like, “Bring it on, motherfucker.” He leaked his memos knowing it would trigger the appointment of a Special Counsel. That's the shit, Jim Comey. That's the shit.

Next, the senators questioned Comey. The senators come with their questions prepared and apparently don't care if they're wasting my time. Therefore, many of the questions and answers were repeated. For example, at least three senators asked Comey why he believed he was fired. Comey totally covered that in his opening statement. Why am I sitting here at eleven o'clock on a Thursday night listening to the same story four times when I want to watch House of Cards?

Another example is the question as to why Comey spoke to Trump alone in the Oval Office. Dianne Feinstein said to Comey, “You're big. You're strong. Why didn't you stop and say, Mr. President, this is wrong. I cannot discuss this with you.” (I thought it was weird that she prefaced the question with the whole big and strong thing. I don't think this is a situation where size matters.) Comey answered he basically lost his shit and momentarily didn't know what to say.  Rather unimpressive coming from a former FBI Director, but honest, nonetheless.

Marco Rubio was up next and asked, “Did you say something to the president about, that is not an appropriate request, or did you tell the white house counsel, it's not an appropriate request? Someone needs to tell the president he can't do these things.” Comey was all like, “My, Grandma, what big ears you have.  You'd think you would have heard me answer this question three minutes ago with ears like that.” (And I know there have been all kinds of jokes and whatnot about the size of Rubio's ears on the Internets, but I never realized how large they are until this very moment. It's super distracting. They don't look human. He looks like he's about to morph into some Lord Of The Rings type character. I've never seen Lord Of The Rings, but I feel like I know there are some fucked up ears in that movie for some reason.)


Another time waster was the way republican senators tried to defend Trump, but not really. For example, when I wasn't totally hypnotized by Marco Rubio's ears, I heard him ask, “Do you ever wonder why, of all the things in the investigation, the only thing never leaked is the fact the president was never personally under investigation, despite the fact that Democrats and Republicans and the leadership of congress have known that for weeks?”  Comey's response was basically, “Dude, if you wanted that leaked you would have leaked it. Don't front.”

James Risch attempted to make the case that Trump wasn't directing Comey to drop the Flynn investigation. According to Risch's hypothesis, when Trump cleared the room and said, “I hope you can see your way to clear to letting this go,” he was merely sharing his hopes and dreams with his dear friend, Jim Comey.  Risch asked, “Do you know of any case where a person has been charged for obstruction of justice where they said or thought they hoped for an outcome?”

Comey explained the president tends to use the word hope in a threatening manner. Like when he tweeted:
 
  
John McCain spoke last and inadvertently made the case for his own retirement. McCain has been outspoken against Trump and has compared the Trump/Russia scandal to Watergate. Therefore, I allowed myself to have higher expectations than I should for the man responsible for making Sarah Palin a thing. 

McCain rambled incoherently about Hillary's emails having some connection with the Russia investigation. I think. Or he doesn't understand why the Hillary email investigation is over and the Trump/Russia investigation is ongoing because he doesn't understand they are two separate things. And something about if the Russians hacked the election and Hillary was a candidate, she obviously conspired with the Russians toward her own loss.

My grandma spent two years leaving messages for my sister on a stranger's voice mail. She had written the number down wrong. For reasons known only to her, she refused to accept she was calling the wrong number. Instead, when she heard a man's voice on the outgoing message, she concluded my sister was living with some guy and keeping it from her. This made no sense as my sister had previously lived with a boyfriend and it was not a big secret kept from grandma. Also, if it was a secret, it would have been kind of stupid to give grandma the number and let the imaginary boyfriend leave the outgoing message. Regardless, I spent two years under constant interrogation regarding my sister's live-in lover who didn't exist.

John McCain's questioning of Comey was like that.

  
Rebuttal
Following Comey's testimony, Paul Ryan gave a press conference against the advice of everyone on Earth. Ryan defended Trump's behavior claiming the president is new to politics and doesn't understand the protocol. Uh...no. I'm sorry, Paul Ryan, but I'm afraid the position of President of the United States doesn't allow for a training period. Once a person has been elected to this highest office there are only two options: Sink or Swim, Motherfucker.
 
Donald Trump Jr. live tweeted Comey's testimony using the hashtag, nothingburger. This is not a phrase I'm familiar with because I completed the eighth grade over twenty-five years ago. So I looked up other tweets under #nothingburger. My favorite was from @ArdentAmerican who tweeted:

“Stop saying nothingburger. Stop saying nothingburger. STOP SAYING NOTHINGBURGER!!! #NothingBurger

Thank you, @ArdentAmerican.

During the session Comey was asked why people should believe him over Trump. Comey responded, “I think people should look at the whole body of my testimony. As I used to say to juries, when I talked about a witness, you can't cherry pick it. You can't say, I like these things he said but on this, he's a rotten liar.”

Trump immediately proved this point by cherry picking Comey's testimony. “But we were very, very happy, and, frankly, James Comey confirmed a lot of what I said, and some of the things that he said just weren’t true.”

Namaste, Bitches

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