Sunday, September 24, 2017

Oh Say Can You Shut The Fuck Up

If a person from another country asked me to explain American football, I would say, a bunch of guys run into each and fall down. I don't understand football and I have no interest in understanding football. It bores me. All sports bore me. I used to think O.J. played basketball. I only found out he was a football player because he allegedly murdered two people. I've got all day long to watch a murder trial. I understand the appeal of murder. I don't understand the appeal of football. I believe I get this from my mom who once asked my sister to change the channel because she “can't listen to ball.”

Last week, a friend of mine posted an article about Colin Kaepernick on Facebook. I only know who Colin Kaepernick is because of the anthem controversy. I don't know what team he played on and I'm not about to Google it because I don't care. Some jackass, who appears to be Facebook stalking my friend, went on a rant about how people have died for our country and he believes kneeling during the national anthem somehow negates that. The Facebook stalker typed this in all caps, which has me concerned for my friends safety. I've found most people who type in all caps are unhinged.

If I understand the Colin Kaepernick controversy correctly, it goes like this:  An absurd amount of unarmed black people have been shot and killed by police. If you're wondering how many unarmed people murdered by police it takes to be considered absurd, the number is one. Colin Kaepernick believes this absurd amount of murder is fucked up. Since Kaepernick is a public figure he used his position to bring attention to all the fucked up murders. In an act of peaceful protest, he chose to kneel during the national anthem. And football fans across America became so enraged they almost spilled their beer.

Can you blame them? I mean, the man kneeled during The Star-Spangled Banner. That's an unforgivable offense. It's not like he panicked during a routine traffic stop, fired seven shots into a vehicle, executing a man for having a broken tail light and traumatizing the four-year-old who was in the back of the car. That's the kind of transgression America is quick to overlook. But kneel during a song and we'll make sure you never appear in a Gatorade commercial. We can't allow you to set a bad example for the children who aren't being shot at.

Facebook Stalker, if you're reading this, I know you think you've won the argument because you typed “people have died” in all caps. However, Colin Kaepernick is kneeling because people have died. The fact that you're more outraged over kneeling than murder has me concerned for my friend's safety.

Colin Kaepernick is not currently on a team because NFL team owners were all like, “Oh lord, he didn't rise for the national anthem. I've got the vapors. Someone bring me my smelling salts.” Then NFL players, and for some reason, Stevie Wonder, were all like, “This is some bullshit.” And they decided to kneel during the anthem. And nothing else matters in America until we resolve this NFL shit.

I don't understand why people are losing their shit over kneeling. That seems kind of respectful. I haven't been to church for anything other than a wedding or funeral in over twenty years, but if memory serves, I believe people kneel to pray. 

If the anthem is truly being played to honor those who have died, kneeling makes more sense. I don't care for the hand over the heart thing. Women don't have an unobstructed path to the heart. If I have to grab my chest in public, someone better be making it rain dollar bills.

This outrage over kneeling seems really hypocritical when you consider the fact that we play the anthem for ridiculous occasions. As I mentioned before, I have no interest in sports. I don't attend ball games. Ergo, I attend zero events where the national anthem is played. I've attended rallies for presidential candidates. I've heard Jon Bon Jovi play Living On A Prayer. I've heard a college marching band play Paula Abdul's Cold Hearted in 2016, no less. I would expect to hear, “Please rise for the national anthem,” at such an event. Instead I heard, “Please enjoy this weird version of a thirty year-old Paula Abdul song.”

Yet, back in the day when TV networks used to sign off at night, they played the national anthem to mark the end of their broadcast day. All across America people in their jammies would rise and exclaim, “Fuck, it's late. I gotta get to bed.”

I've always found the tradition of playing the anthem before ball games to be odd. When  soldiers stormed the beaches of Normandy, I don't think they were worried about being honored at an event where people shove nachos and beer in their face while millionaires knock each other down. Nachos and beer shouldn't be consumed when honoring fallen veterans. It seems undignified somehow.

America, if we really believe The Star-Spangled Banner is sacrosanct, why would we allow Cher to sing it? The NFL books bland pop stars with no range to perform. They water it down to fit their limited range and the result is anti-climatic. I like Cher, but when she sang it was like listening to Mr. Ed sing The Star-Spangled Banner. (For millennials – Mr. Ed is an old sitcom about a talking horse. It's as stupid as it sounds.)

Remember when Roseanne sang it at a baseball game and people were “shocked” because she treated it as a joke? And Roseanne received death threats?  And the dumbass who booked a comedian with no singing talent to sing received zero death threats? I mean, I'm against death threats over a song, but if you feel that strongly about it, at least aim your outrage in the right direction.

The Star-Spangled Banner is a difficult song to sing. Whitney Houston nailed it and no one else should attempt it. I think we should always play Whitney's version or pick a different song for our national anthem. I suggest Party In The U.S.A. by Miley Cyrus. It's easier to sing and the lyrics are easier to remember. “Moving my hips like yeah” is how we actually speak. Don't try to get snotty about it. When was the last time you used ramparts in a sentence?
Speaking of people with limited vocabulary, Donald Trump has decided to get involved in this anthem controversy because the job of president apparently affords him a lot of free time.  He's been tweeting non-stop about boycotting the NFL until they fire the players for kneeling. Call me skeptical, but I think Trump may have an ulterior motive in all this. Trump is notorious for his ability to hold a grudge and this isn't his first fight with the NFL. 

Once upon a time, all the way back in the year 1982, a rival football league was created. This was called the United States Football League or USFL. Donald Trump, then a New York realtor with no real accomplishments to speak of, decided to purchase a team called the New Jersey Generals. (I just realized this is probably what he was talking about during the debates when he said he had lots of generals on his team.) The USFL played in the spring. In 1985, Trump pushed the USFL to move their season to the fall to force a merger with the NFL. The owners of the USFL were not aware that Trump was a self-proclaimed brilliant businessman and not an actual brilliant businessman.

Trump then sued the NFL for existing and a judge awarded him three dollars to shut him up. That's right. He won three whole George Washingtons. The USFL went under and lost one hundred and sixty-three million George Washingtons. Because Donald Trump believes nothing is ever his fault, he's been trying to exact revenge on the NFL for thirty-two years.

Now please excuse me while I troll Trump on Twitter.

Namaste, Bitches

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Reclaiming My Time

When I started this blog all the way back in the year 2016, I had no intention of writing about Donald Trump so much. Back then he was just one of many fucktards running for president. Then he won the republican nomination making him the top fucktard. I was surprised, but looking back, I guess I shouldn't have been. Republicans had been courting ignorant racist voters for a long time. And those ignorant racists saw their ignorant racist messiah in Donald Trump. The nomination of Trump was an ugly mark on American history. An ugly mark that was supposed to end after the election. I expected to be writing about the vast right wing conspiracy claiming Hillary Clinton kidnapped one hundred and one dalmatian puppies for their fur. But that didn't happen. I don't know what happened. But I'll find out what happened on Tuesday when I receive my pre-ordered Kindle version of Hillary Clinton's book entitled, What Happened.

In the meantime, I'm fucking sick of Trump. I'm sick of hearing his guttural voice and his ridiculous accent. I'm fucking sick of watching his ties flap against his crotch because he wears them too long. I hate his stupid face. I'm sick of his three chinless children believing they are productive members of society on the sole basis of their father being a self-proclaimed billionaire. I'm fucking sick of waiting for Tiffany to write her tell-all book. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Tiffany Trump:

Dear Tiffany,

Bitch, what are you waiting for? I already gave you the title, The Daughter He Left Behind: The Tiffany Trump Story. If you don't get on it soon, I'm going to write it myself. And I will be selling the rights to your story, which I will be making up, to the Lifetime Movie Network.

Best wishes,
Donna Troy

Anyway, I'm most sick of Trump's constant Mexican bashing to placate his ignorant racist base. I have to address his asshole plan of canceling DACA, but as I have so fervently stated, I'm fucking sick of Trump. Therefore, I am reclaiming my time. I shall be addressing my remarks to the members of his ignorant racist base who believe the cancellation of DACA is good for reasons which are stupid. Please share this blog post with all your ignorant racist relatives, co-workers or neighbors.

Welcome, ignorant racist relatives, co-workers or neighbors of people who read my blog. I'm glad you're here. There are some things we need to discuss about DACA. First, DACA stands for Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals. DACA is not a Mexican gang that will rise up and take over the streets with the guns Obama did not take from you. I know this probably won't calm your fears about Mexican gangs because you're stupid. So you should also know Mexican gangs aren't very scary. Watch West Side Story. It's about a Puerto Rican gang, but I don't think it makes any difference to you. Because I once heard an ignorant racist refer to my Vietnamese neighbors as Mexicans. I'm also about ninety percent sure you don't know Puerto Rico is a U.S. territory. I'm also pretty certain Trump didn't know it until his advisers told him to declare a state of emergency before Hurricane Irma. He was all like, “What do I care about Puerto Rico? Mexico is on their own. I'm building a wall.” Shit. I'm talking about Trump.

Reclaiming my time. 

In West Side Story the Mexi-Rican gang members do some weird dance-y, snapping thing for a fucking eternity before they ever get around to pulling out their switch blades. It provides ample time to run to safety. And you don't have to worry about watching a movie with Mexi-Rican actors. The Puerto Rican lead character, Maria, is played by Russian American actress, Natalie Wood. Her real name was Natalia Nikolaevna Zakharenko and she may or may not have been murdered by the guy from Hart to Hart.

I would love to use this opportunity to make a joke about your chosen messiah and the Russians, but I can't because I'm reclaiming my time. Instead, I'll use this opportunity to remind you that people immigrate here from countries other than Mexico. Believe it or not, white undocumented immigrants roam freely across the nation. And you'll never know who they are because they look just like you. They could be collecting your dead grandma's social security as we speak. If you're still not freaked out by people who look like you, I recommend you watch the 1956 version of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers. Everyone was white in black and white movies. I guess you could watch the 1978 version. The main cast is still all white, but it's unnecessarily longer and I don't care for Donald Sutherland. 

I believe we've established you don't really give a shit about immigration or pod people. Now we need to understand your irrational fear of Mexicans.  We shall explore your top three complaints about DACA and I'll explain why your reasoning is bullshit.

Top Three Bullshit Complaints About DACA

1. DACA is Obama's unconstitutional evil master plan to create more democrat voters.

While I'm often impressed by your ability to invent sweeping conspiracies out of nothing, I must call bullshit. First of all, your irrational hatred of Obama is as intense as my rational hatred of Trump. Secondly, you have no idea if DACA is unconstitutional or not. You've never read the constitution. If you were asked to recite the preamble right now, it would go something like this:

We the people of the United States of America
And to the republic for which it stands
One nation under a groove
Gettin' down just for the funk
Just for the taste of it – Diet Coke

Let's get real. If you cared about the constitution, we wouldn't have a president who thinks there are twelve articles to the constitution. Shit. I'm doing it again.

Reclaiming my time.

DACA doesn't create more democrat voters. Because it doesn't immediately grant citizenship like you seem to believe. It simply allows undocumented immigrants who were brought here as children to apply for green cards or visas without fear of being deported. If democrats were using immigrants to vote illegally in the numbers you claim, I would be writing about President Hillary Fucking Clinton's plan to immediately grant citizenship to everyone with DACA status. 

2.) Mexicans are taking your jobs.

I call bullshit because you can't make up your mind about what's causing your unemployment. You also claim environmental regulations are closing down the factories where you once worked. Mexicans can't be taking your jobs if the jobs don't exist. You need to get specific and name the actual jobs Mexicans are taking from you. For example, say you worked at a Taco Bell and an authentic Mexican restaurant opened up next door. The authentic Mexican restaurant would probably have more customers and the Taco Bell would close. But that's not a great example because Taco Bell serves expired dog food. People just don't want to eat that shit even if there are no other restaurants in the neighborhood.

I only know one example of a white person losing a job due to Mexican interference. A co-worker called a woman who had applied for a position. She asked the woman why she had been out of work for so long. The unemployed woman replied, “Because these Mexicans keep coming over here and taking all the jobs.” That's a stupid thing to say in a job interview no matter what. But when the interviewer's last name is Santana-Cruz, that's stupidity of epic proportions. Needless to say, the woman was not offered the job. And as much as that idiot would like to blame Mexicans for her lack of work, she Archie Bunkered herself out of a job.

It's like when the judge on the Trump University case had a name that sounded too Mexican-y for Trump's taste. And Trump tried to claim the judge was biased against him because of all the racist shit Trump said about Mexicans. And Trump had to settle out of court for millions of dollars because he was guilty as fuck and a new judge wouldn't have changed that.


Reclaiming my time.

3.) They don't speak English.

I call bullshit because... So? I truly don't understand why people get such a stick up their ass about this. I live my life every day with the knowledge that there are people in this country who don't speak English. It effects my life not at all. I mean, I occasionally have to press 1 for English, but that takes less than a second. I know a lot of you get, like, psychotically pissed when you have to press 1 for English and I really need you to know it's psychotic.

I was on an elevator with a really stupid co-worker one time. Two other women got on the elevator and began speaking Spanish to each other. My really stupid co-worker kept making weird, jerky, tight-lipped facial expressions at me. I knew she was either having a stroke or she was pissed these women dared to have a conversation in Spanish in her presence. It was the latter. As soon as the other women exited the elevator, really stupid co-worker went off on a really stupid rant. And I had to explain to her I found this elevator ride way more peaceful when I couldn't understand the people talking. Who the fuck cares if two women you don't know want to speak to each other in Spanish? I sure as fuck don't.

Ignorant racist relatives, co-workers or neighbors of people who read my blog, please don't assume it's okay to say ignorant racist shit just because you're alone with another white person. It's not and I find it more disturbing than two strangers speaking Spanish.

Why is it that the people who are so adament everyone in the U.S. must speak English are the people who royally fuck up the English language? Just look at your president/messiah. He says things like “bigly” and “a very against police judge” and tweets things like “an unpresidented act.” I'd love to unpresident that motherfucker. 

Fuck me.

Reclaiming my time.

Ignorant racist relatives, co-workers or neighbors of people who read my blog, you may leave my blog now. I'm done with you.

People who read my blog, if you pre-order my book, The Daughter He Left Behind: The Tiffany Trump Story, then I'll start writing it.

Namaste, Bitches

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Dare To Be Stupid

My sister noticed this house while driving through Ohio. She pulled over to take pictures for the amusement of everyone who passed the third grade. I doubt the owners of the house are reading this because they're obviously not big readers. On the off chance they are, I'd like to offer a piece of advice. You can't claim to be the superior race and misspell rebel at the same time. You just can't. To quote my roommate while watching the Charlottesville coverage, “I wouldn't be surprised if they misspelled KKK.”

My new favorite pastime is trolling Trump on Twitter. I know he's not reading my tweets, but it's still super satisfying to reply to his jackassery in real time. Not surprisingly, I sometimes receive angry responses from Trump supporters that have absolutely nothing to do with what I've written. Behold the following exchange from last week:

I was kind enough to remove the asshole's name even though he broadcast his name and stupidity on Twitter for all the world to see. Note the date. It was five days before Charlottesville. Twitter Asshole did save me some time by referring to the KKK as terrorists so I don't have to. Thanks, Twitter Asshole. As a general rule, I block people who send me pictures of burning crosses for no apparent reason. I will give Twitter Asshole a little credit. Very little. He is correct that the parties' stances on race and civil rights were once reversed. Republicans were originally the party of civil rights. Over a century ago. They've spent the last seventy years preying on the fears of racist people. Sorry, Twitter Asshole, you don't have the moral high ground here. And it's fucked up I have to tell a Trump supporter he doesn't have the moral high ground.

Naturally, Trump's response to the Charlottesville riot was stupid.

"We condemn in the strongest possible terms this egregious display of hatred, bigotry and violence, on many sides. On many sides. It's been going on for a long time in our country. Not Donald Trump, not Barack Obama. This has been going on for a long, long time."

I guess it was nice of him to take the blame off Obama, even though no one was blaming Obama. As a matter of fact, we got through eight years under the first African American president without a single Klan riot. Yet, six months of Trump and not only has the Klan taken to the streets with machine guns and pepper spray, they've done so without hiding their faces behind creepy hoods. Which is kind of a double edged sword. On one hand, it's really fucking freaky that Klan members aren't afraid to be exposed. On the other hand, we know who's in the fucking Klan. For decades, we had to kind of guess if someone was a Klan member and if we guessed wrong, it was awkward. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to the Klan.

Dear Ku Klux Klan,

I saw what you did and I know who you are. That's from a movie called I Saw What You Did.

Seriously, though, losing the sheets was an awesome move. That was a brazen act of arrogant ignorance befitting the president. Those of you who are employed will soon be losing your jobs.  I'm sure CPS will be coming to take your kids. Some of you may even lose your freedom.

You know that shit was on TV, right?

Trump can't save you.

Best Regards,
Donna Troy

Many people have been blaming Trump for the attack in Charlottesville. You know, because he's completely to blame for the attack in Charlottesville. Trump announced his candidacy for president by declaring Mexicans are rapists. That's the kind of rhetoric that really speaks to the heart of the average Klan member. 

A mere five months into his candidacy, he tweeted phony crime statistics from a non-existent agency.  And wouldn't you know those phony statistics say "the blacks" are killing everyone.  Those are the kind of phony numbers the Klan desperately want everyone to believe. They know it's not true.  I mean, if black people were murdering at such high rates, I think they would have killed off the Klan by now.

Trump appointed Jefferson Beauregard Sessions as attorney general. Jefferson Beauregard Sessions still had slaves working on his plantation until the early 1990s. That's not true, but it totally sounds like it is. And it sounds like it is because Jefferson Beauregard Sessions once referred to the NAACP as “un-American” and “communist-inspired.” That is true. Which reminds me, I need to write an open letter to Mitch McConnell.

Dear Mitch McConnell,

Remember when Elizabeth Warren was trying to read a letter by Coretta Scott King during Session's confirmation hearing and you were a total dick and cut her off?

Yeah, that's not going away any time soon. Good times.

Best Regards,
Donna Troy

Trump chose Stephen Miller as Senior Policy Adviser. Stephen Miller once accused Maya Angelou of “racial paranoia.” Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Stephen Miller.

Dear Stephen Miller,

You can tell us why the caged bird sings once you're in prison for treason with the rest of the deplorables.

Best Regards,
Donna Troy

Trump chose Steve Bannon as his Chief Strategist. Steve was head of Breitbart News, which proudly claims to be the voice of the alt right. The alt right is white supremacy under new management. Steve was responsible for such headlines as, “Would You Rather Your Child Had Feminism Or Cancer?” Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Steve Bannon.

Dear Steve Bannon,

Here's a headline for you, “Steve Bannon: Next On Trump's Chopping Block.”

Best Regards,
Donna Troy

In case anyone is still uncertain about Donald Trump's association with white supremacists, the Klan members were thoughtful enough to carry Trump signs, and wear Trump shirts and MAGA hats while they murdered a woman in cold blood.

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Trump supporters.

Dear Trump Supporters,

Remember how you got all pissy when Hillary Clinton called you a basket of deplorables?

You've got nerve.

Best Regards,
Donna Troy

I could be rushing to judgment by blaming Trump's influence for the murder of an innocent woman. It could have been the Dukes of Hazzard. Think about it. The rally was in protest of the removal of a statue of Robert E. Lee. The killer mowed through a group of pedestrians in a Dodge Charger. The Dukes of Hazzard are known for their reckless driving in a Dodge Charger dubbed The General Lee. Just where were Tom Wopat and John Schneider during the time of the murder? Actually, Tom Wopat may be off the hook because he was arrested last week for groping some woman like he's the fucking president or something. And that's just a little bit more than the law will allow.

Although, I make a strong case for The Dukes of Hazzard, I think the case against Trump is still stronger. His own words show he doesn't give a shit. In the middle of all this, he sent out a tweet so bad, even by Trump standards, that a news anchor asked her producer to double check it came from Trump before reading it on air.

Please excuse me while I troll Trump on Twitter.


Namaste, Bitches

Sunday, July 30, 2017

The Great Communicator

Remember when Betty White did a Snickers commercial and the Facebook people started a campaign to get Betty White to host SNL and Betty White hosted SNL? Lawrence O'Donnell extended an open invitation for Joe Pesci to appear on his show to read Anthony Scaramucci quotes. That was the most brilliant thing on the news all week. Saturday Night Live has got to get Joe Pesci to play The Mooch. Facebook People, you've got to Betty White this Joe Pesci thing. Joe Pesci did a Snickers commercial too. Snickers really satisfies.

Last night I sent out the following tweet: “POTUS and The Mooch gave R Priebus a severance package consisting of an Edible Arrangements gift basket and a $50 Wal-Mart gift card. Classy.”

In an odd turn of events Anthony Scaramucci called me this morning to bitch about my tweet. I'm not sure how he got my number since I blog under a fake name and he didn't seem to know that. There must be a leaker in my apartment. The only other person here is my roommate... who is from New York... just like The Mooch. I'm willing to overlook this leak as the rent is due in two days.

Fortunately, I'm in the habit of recording all my phone calls in case I'm contacted by some wannabe Goodfella. 

At no time did The Mooch state our conversation was off the record. Not that it would have mattered if he did as I'm not a journalist. What follows is a transcript of our conversation.

The Mooch: Donna, I want to know who fucking leaked to you about the motherfucking Edible Arrangements. You know what The Mooch is going to do to that cocksucker? I'm going to murder his wife and children in front of him. Then I'm going to fire him. Then I'm going to write him a letter of recommendation and send him on his way with a fruit basket. Because, hey, I'm a classy guy. So who's the fucking leaker, Donna?

Donna Troy: There was no leaker. It was a joke. The fact that you don't know how jokes work is comical, though.

The Mooch: Waddya mean I’m comical? Waddya mean? You mean the way I talk? What? Comical how? I mean, what’s comical about it? You mean, let me understand this… cuz I… maybe it’s me? Maybe I’m a little fucked up, maybe? I’m comical how, I mean comical like I’m a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I’m here to fuckin’ amuse you? Waddya mean comical? Comical how? How am I comical? How the fuck am I comical? What the fuck is so comical about The Mooch? Tell me. Tell me what’s comical. 
Donna Troy: Yeah... so as long as I've got you on the phone, do you care to comment on Trump's remarks advocating police brutality?

The Mooch: Whoa. Whoa. The president is a great man and a great politician. He's been a close friend of mine for many years. I mean, I've seen this man beat an eight-year-old at hopscotch. He hopped on two legs. He hopped on one leg. He skipped the square the rock landed on. He didn't miss a beat. The president is a great athlete. That's what we should be talking about.

Donna Troy: I thought you wanted to talk about White House leaks.

The Mooch: I don't want to talk about the motherfucking leakers. I want you to tell me who the motherfucking leakers are. It's an American travesty when everyone knows who the president is giving fruit baskets to. And I'll tell you something else, the president sprung for the fucking chocolate dipping on the strawberries and apple slices. That costs extra. I bet the prick nugget leaker didn't tell you that. And when you speak to the leaker again, you can tell him to go fuck his mother for me.

Donna Troy: The leaker was Ivanka Trump. She's my BFF. We go shopping together, get pedicures, talk about boys. That kind of stuff.

The Mooch: Ivanka Trump is great American patriot and first daughter. We've been close friends for many years. I think it speaks to the kind of person she is that she chose to share this great example of her father's generosity with the nation.

I grew up in a middle class family in a neighborhood. I knew a lot of working mothers. Ivanka Trump chose to design quality handbags and shoes for working mothers at a reasonable price. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I never thought of the handbag needs of the women in my neighborhood. Even though Ivanka grew up rich, she saw that. She saw the needs of working middle class mothers.

Donna Troy: I've never met Ivanka Trump. That was another joke you didn't get.

The Mooch: You know what, Donna? This is what The Mooch hates about the main stream media. Fucking fake news and gotcha politics. You don't want to tell me who the leaker is? Fine. Fuck it. I'll find the fucking leaker on my own.  You know what The Mooch is going to do to that butt fucker? I'm going to amputate his fucking leg with a rusty chainsaw. Then I'm going take the leg and shove it down the dickwad's throat. That jerkoff is gonna shit his own toes.

Donna Troy: Would you like to share your thoughts on the president's tweet banning transgender military personnel? Does he understand that tweeting something doesn't make it policy?

The Mooch: First of all, Donald J. Trump is not an establishment politician. He's not going to do things the way they've been done in the past. This is one of the things I hate about Washington. You have to go through all this red tape to get anything done. Trump is from the business world. I'm from the business world. In the business world, you make a decision and it's settled. Boom. Done. That's how Donald J. Trump is going to lead this country and make it great again. He doesn't have time to fill out fifty forms and write bills. That's what I'm here for. The president makes a decision and I represent him and support that decision. I went to Harvard Law School. I got an A minus in one of my courses. My professor remembers that.

Donna Troy: The president is serious about banning transgender service members then?

The Mooch: Look, just because the president said something doesn't mean he said it. And you know what? No one thinks of the danger these transgender “soldiers” are in. If someone like Caitlyn Jenner showed up in the neighborhood I grew up in, I don't want to tell you what we'd do to that she-man. We'd choke her with her own wig, cut off her fake tits and ship 'em C.O.D. to her mother. Then we'd write “tranny whore” on her forehead with her blood. Now you want to put the trannys which a bunch of G.I. Joes who are trained to kill? The president is protecting these fucking ungrateful freaks.

I'll tell you something else. I once saw Donald J. Trump go jogging with Caitlyn Jenner when she still had her balls and we called her Bruce. They decided to race the last two miles. I've never seen anyone move as fast as the president. Bruce was eating Trump's dust. I mean, the man out ran an Olympic athlete. As far as I'm concerned, if Brucelyn wants to be a big titty baby about this one issue she can go suck her detachable cock.

Donna Troy: You know Caitlyn Jenner is a Trump supporter, right?

The Mooch: Caitlyn Jenner is a real American hero, an Olympic gold medalist and a courageous spokesperson for the transgender community. She's been a close friend of mine for many years.

Donna Troy: You're almost good at your job. I nearly forgot Jared Kushner testified before the House Intelligence Committee. Care to share anything about that?

The Mooch: I've known Jared Kushner many years. He's a close friend. He's an honest guy. There's nothing to tell. He testified and told them there's nothing to tell. I was a part of the campaign. I didn't see any Russians.

Donna Troy: We know he met with Russians because of Little Don's emails.

The Mooch: Donald J. Trump Jr is a good friend. I've known him for many years. He said that meeting was a nothing burger and that's good enough for me. Donald J. Trump Jr is a guy who has had all the advantages in the world. I once saw him make his own plane reservations. He'd never done that before in his life. His secretary was having an emergency appendectomy. He was supposed to go to Florida to fill in for his dad at a golf course opening. He didn't know the secretary hadn't booked his flight until she was already under anesthesia and it was too late to call her. Don said, “You know what? I think I can do it.” Not only did he do it, but he decided not to fire his secretary. I think that speaks a lot to the kind of guy Donald J. Trump Jr is.

Donna Troy: You got rid of Sean Spicer and Reince Priebus in a week. Who's next to go?

The Mooch: First of all, The Mooch had nothing to do with Sean Spicer leaving. He was doing a terrible job, but the president was going to keep him on a while longer out of loyalty. The president is one of the most loyal people I've ever met. He once fired an FBI Director because he refused to pledge his loyalty to the president. That's how much the president values loyalty. 

You can say a lot of things about Sean Spicer, but he was loyal. The man tried to make people believe covfefe is a word. That's how loyal he was to the president. But he failed to make people believe covfefe is a word. He was loyal, but he was incompetent. That's why Donald J. Trump brought in The Mooch. And everyone will believe in covfefe before The Mooch is done.
Second of all, Reince and I are like brothers. We're like Cain and Abel, J.R. and Bobby Ewing, Michael and Fredo Corleone.

Donna Troy: Excellent examples. Can't really call him a paranoiac then. 

The Mooch: That shitbag is a fucking paranoiac. I was supposed to be in the president's cabinet in January. Reince fucking cock blocked me from the president.

Donna Troy: You should really think about what that phrase implies about your relationship with the president.

The Mooch: It implies Reince Priebus is a big fucking pussy who couldn't handle some stiff competition from The Mooch. If he even thinks about leaking anything now, I'll cut off his ears and staple them to the back of his head. I'll cut out his eyes and shove them in the holes where his ears used to be. I'll rearrange his whole fucking face. Turn him into a real life Mr. Goddamn Potato Head.

You want to know who's next to go? Steve Ass-Licker Bannon. I'll cut the brakes in his car, tell him his kid's in the hospital and nothing will happen because that asshole's not going to check on his kid. But sooner or later, he's got to drive somewhere and when he does – Bam! Dead. He fucked with the wrong Mooch.

Donna Troy: What about Jeff Sessions?

The Mooch: I've known Jeff Sessions a long time. He's a close friend of mine, but he can't take a hint. The president is unhappy Jeff recused himself. I told you how the president feels about loyalty. What good is an attorney who recused himself from representing the president. That's pretty disloyal if you ask me.

Donna Troy: The attorney general isn't the president's attorney. I thought you went to Harvard Law School.
The Mooch: The president is the commander in chief and he gets to appoint the attorney general. If he's not happy with the job the attorney general is doing, or not doing, since he recused himself, the president should be able to tweet him out of office. The president won the election.

Donna Troy: Yes, I know. That's why he's the president.

The Mooch: Are we fucking done here or what?

Donna Troy: You called me.

The Mooch: Yeah, something about a fucking fruit basket.

***End of call***

Namaste, Bitches

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Watch Your Back, Bitch

From: Donald Trump Jr.
Sent: Tuesday, July 11, 2017 12:03 PM
To: Jared Kushner
Subject: Possible Russia Collusion? – email leaks - private and confidential 

Hey Bro. Have you spoken to my dad today? He's not returning my calls. I think he might be pissed about this email thing. No offense, bro but none of this would have happened if you didn't get your lawyers involved and start amending forms. You already had security clearance. Why muddy the water now? The meeting was private and confidential. That's why I specifically wrote private and confidential in the subject line. I literally don't know what else I could have done to keep this quiet. 

Here's what I'm thinking. We need Putin's people to get to work on the New York Times. Find out if they have anything else. If they do, the Russians will kill... the story. Lol. Love it.  I'm going to reach out to Goldstone to set up another meeting. It's perfect. No one would expect it now, especially with all the heat on us. It's the kind of proactive problem solving my father will appreciate. 

Get back to me as soon as you can and give me a heads up before you start blabbing about other meetings. Lol. Okay?


From: Jared Kushner
Sent: Tuesday, July 11, 2017 1:35 PM
To: Donald Trump Jr.
Subject: Re: Possible Russia Collusion? – email leaks - private and confidential

Hello Mr. Trump,

This is Jamie Gorelick, counsel for Jared Kushner. I have advised my client, Mr. Kushner, to avoid further contact with you. I must insist you cease all email communication immediately.

Any further questions or concerns should be directed to my office.

Your cooperation in this matter is greatly appreciated.

Jamie Gorelick

From: Donald Trump Jr.
Sent: Tuesday, July 11, 2017 1:55 PM
To: Jared Kushner
Subject: Re:Re: Possible Russia Collusion? – email leaks - private and confidential

Dude! WTF? I guess private and confidential is just a nothing burger to you. I need to speak with you, not your stupid woman lawyer. Man up, already.


From: Donald Trump Jr.
Sent: Tuesday, July 11, 2017 2:03 PM
To: Ivanka Trump
Subject: Your Stupid Husband - private and confidential

WTF is Jared's problem? All I did was ask him if he's spoken to Dad today and he sicks his lawyer on me. I don't need his bullshit.

You need to remind him I'm running the company now. I know you both think your shit doesn't stink because you're working at the White House, but guess what? Dad won't be president forever. You better treat me right or I will run this company into the ground. Into. The. Ground.  

What are you going to do then? QVC won't even sell your bedazzled wallets. I can always go back to bar tending. I made good tips.


From: Ivanka Trump
Sent: Tuesday, July 11, 2017 2:57 PM
Subject: FW: Your Stupid Husband - private and confidential

Hi Daddy,

Don is being a real non-Ivanka today. You need to do something about this. We don't want him clouding our presidency.

He should get out in front of the story. Perhaps he should release a statement such as, “It was a real honor to welcome these heroes of Russian democracy.”

I welcome your thoughts.


Sent: Tuesday, July 11, 2017 4:09 PM
To: Ivanka Trump
Subject: Re:FW: Your Stupid Husband - private and confidential

I don't make mistakes, but sometimes I wonder if, perhaps, letting Don Jr. in the company was a mistake. But really, it was more like, it was his mistake. I sent him to the Wharton School of Business, one of the very, very best, maybe even the greatest business school in the country. He could have come right to work for me after he graduated, but instead, he chose to bar tend in Colorado. I said to him, I said, “Don, you'll never make it as a bartender. Bartenders are like, they're nothing. For a person to be a bartender, he lacks the imagination to be not poor. But if you're going to bar tend, you should do it in Manhattan.” And he was all like, “Dad, I want to do my own thing. I have friends in Colorado. I like it there and whatever.” And I was like, “Fine. Go. But you have to go by a different name. I can never be told that someone was served a drink by Donald Trump. It's very against the Trump brand. And don't use John Barron or John Miller because I'm already using those.” And this kid, I tell ya, he's got no imagination. He bar tends for a year under the name Donald Tromp. And I hear from people, this is what people are telling me, they say they went skiing in Colorado and they stopped at a bar and Don Jr. served them a gin and tonic. They tell me, they say he was a little heavy on the tonic and light on the gin. But they tip him anyway because he's my son. So, Donald Tromp is making money off my name. Could not believe it. A year later Don Jr. calls me and he's all like, “Dad, I hate bar tending. I'm broke all the time. I had to get a roommate and we can't afford a maid. I want to come work for you.” And I mean, this apartment, I've never been there, but people tell me it was a real dump. A total disaster. They would order pizzas and without a maid, there was no one to throw out the empty boxes. So they piled up until there was probably like seven thousand pizza boxes in one tiny penthouse apartment. So I let him come work for me and that was, maybe, not the right choice.

Okay, honey, I'll take care of him. You and Jared have nothing to worry about. Believe me. You know you're my favorite and Jared is like a son to me. In other words, Jared is an employee who is one hundred percent dependent on me. Which makes him very loyal.


Sent: Wednesday, July 12, 2017 4:48 AM
To: Donald Trump Jr.
Subject: #MAGA

Did you see the tweet I put out? I called you a “very high-quality person.” Did you see it?


From: Donald Trump Jr.
Sent: Wednesday, July 12, 2017 7:42 AM
Subject: Re: #MAGA – private and confidential

Dad, I've been trying to reach you for two days. What's going on? They're saying Jared and I could go to prison for this. You told me to take the meeting. I did this for you. I can't go to prison, right? I'm the president's son.


Sent: Wednesday, July 12, 2017 7:59 AM
To: Donald Trump, Jr.
Subject: Re:Re: #MAGA – private and confidential

First of all, son, you're being very rude, okay. I'm the president and that means I'm very, very busy. I'm in France meeting with President Le Macrone Depardieu. I emailed you three hours ago. What were you so busy doing at five o'clock in the morning that it took you so long to get back to me?

I don't want you to worry. There is no way I'm letting Jared go to prison, okay. If need be, we'll get him out of the country, possibly to Russia. I have friends there. Now, you may have to go to prison for a year, maybe five years or maybe less. I don't know. Definitely not more than five. What's five years? It's nothing, five years. You'll only be forty-five years old when you get out. You'd still have your whole life ahead of you. Look at me, I'm seventy and I just changed careers. I'm a politician now, if you can believe it. And I'll probably, perhaps, still be president when you get out because it looks like I'm going to win re-election in 2020. I've already started working on my 2020 campaign and the democrats, they don't even know who's running yet. Can't believe it, Don. Cannot believe it. People are saying my approval ratings are like nothing they've ever seen before. People are telling me this. I'm at thirty-six percent and I've only been in office, for like, six months. Thirty-six percent. That's more than a third, so it's more like, probably, half the country.

So, you'll do a little time. You'll come back and we'll put you to work. I'm not sure where yet. I mean, I'm guessing, we'll have to give your office at Trump Tower to whoever takes your place. And depending on how well that person does, I mean, five years is a long time. I can't make any promises, but we'll see what happens.

The important thing is, I have to distance myself from you and this whole Russia thing. And to be honest, this whole Russia thing is a hoax and we know that, but you really, you shouldn't have taken the meeting. I mean, you can say, it helped my campaign a lot, but then again, I probably would have won anyway.

You didn't answer my question. Did you see the tweet I put out? A high-quality person, that's what I called you. I mean that.


Namaste, Bitches


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