Monday, October 3, 2016

She's Got the Look

The Not-So-Live Blog of the First Presidential Debate

Welcome to the not-so-live blog of the most watched presidential debate in history. A debate that was both a crowning achievement and our lowest moment as a nation. The first woman nominee, with an extensive qualifying background in both law and government, versus the first random D-List celebrity jackass nominee holding a ten-year grudge against Rosie O’Donnell. A grudge that was caused by Trump’s treatment of a beauty pageant contestant.

I need to address a few things before we begin. First, sniffling. There are a few theories as to why Trump sniffled through the entire debate. Howard Dean believes Trump may be a cocaine user. My friend, Sierra, believes Trump has contracted Zika and should be euthanized for the health and safety of the population. Trump claims he had a bad microphone which didn’t pick up his voice, but somehow picked up the sounds coming out of his nose. Whatever the cause, I vote for euthanization.

Secondly, the audience. The audience was asked to remain quiet during the presidential debate. There is a good reason for this. It wastes everyone’s time when the candidates and moderator have to wait for the audience to shut up so they can continue with the debate. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to the debate audience.


Dear Debate Audience,

You were asked to do two things:

1.
Sit down.

2.
Shut up.

You were asked four times to do these simple things. The Whoever of the Whatever of the group sponsoring the debate asked you to sit down and shut up before the debate began. Lester Holt asked you to sit down and shut up before the debate began. Lester Holt asked you to sit down and shut up as the debate started. Lester Holt asked you to sit down and shut up after the first ruckus you caused.

If you should be so fortunate as to be invited to attend a future presidential debate, I implore you to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up.

Yours Truly,

Donna Troy


Now we begin our not-so-live coverage of the first presidential debate of 2016.

8:57pm
The Voice is wrapping up. Oh, Carson Daly. Aging MTV vee-jays are the saddest looking people of all.

9:00pm
Chuck Todd, please shave that disgusting goatee. It’s not a good look on anyone.

9:02pm
Yay. Tom Brokaw’s her.! Brokaw’s not having that shit.

Did Don King get that denim jacket at a yard sale?

9:05pm
We welcome the candidates to the stage. They shake hands.

9:09pm
Hillary makes an eloquent statement about creating jobs, building the middle class, closing corporate loopholes and paid family leave. It’s not important, but I really like her lipstick.

9:11pm
Trump says we’re China’s piggy bank and that all our jobs are going to Mexico. I receive a text from my sister which reads, “So why do we need a wall to keep Mexicans out if all the jobs are in Mexico? Are people moving here illegally and commuting to work?”

9:13pm
Hillary mentions Trump’s “start-up loan” of somewhere between one and fourteen million dollars he received from his father.

9:15pm
Lester asks Trump about his oft-spoke-of plan to bring back jobs from companies which have moved operations overseas. Trump would prefer to defend his multi-million dollar start-up loan and how he turned that into billions. He says that’s the kind of thinking our country needs. He rants about China and Mexico and asks Secretary Clinton if it’s okay if he calls her Secretary Clinton.

Lester takes another shot at getting Trump to answer the question. Trump’s answer is that you bring back the jobs by not letting them leave. Yeah. That’s the kind of thinking our country needs.

9:17pm
Hillary names all the factors that contributed to the recession eight years ago. She points out that Donnie was rooting for the collapse of the housing market, which put millions of families out on the street. Donnie jumps in with, “It's not personal. It's called business.”

Somewhere in America, a homeless man watching from the parking lot of a Best Buy says, "That's the problem."

Hillary proposes creating new jobs in clean energy. She points out Trump believes global warming is a hoax created by the Chinese. Trump jumps in with, “I do not say that.” The Tweet in which he says exactly that is still live on his Twitter feed.


The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.

9:21pm
Trump: “We have to do a better job at keeping our jobs.” He bitches about NAFTA and blames Bill Clinton for signing off on NAFTA. "George H. W. Bush signed off on NAFTA," I say to the TV.

9:23pm
Trump claims Hillary changed her position on TPP because she heard what he had to say about it. Hillary says, “Get your head out of your ass. The world doesn’t revolve around you, Donald.”

9:26pm
After some back and forth about tax plans and Trump comparing himself to Reagan, Hillary encourages the viewing audience to go to her website where fact-checking of the debate is being done in real time. Trump jumps in with, “And go to mine, too.” He offers no reason why.

9:27pm
Hillary makes some very cogent points regarding the differences in their tax plans. Trump throws in some nonsense about ISIS and General MacArthur and makes the claim that Hillary has been fighting ISIS her entire adult life. It really makes me wonder about his tax plan.

9:29pm
Lester asks each candidate to explain why their tax plan is better. Trump is proposing tax credits for the rich. Hillary is proposing increasing taxes for the rich. I shall attempt to recreate Trump’s answer:

“When they have billions of dollars and overseas and when bureaucrats and red tape because they can’t bring the money back. They can’t bring the money back because Secretary Clinton. We have no leadership. And really, trillions of dollars aren’t being invested back in the inner cities and other things that could be beautiful because bureaucrats and red tape. And honestly, that starts with Secretary Clinton.”

Hillary laughs and laughs. She says by the end of the debate she’ll be blamed for everything. Trump gives away his entire debate strategy a mere thirty minutes in by replying, “Why not?”

9:32pm
Hillary goes into more detail about the differences in their tax plans, while Trump constantly tries to interrupt. When Hillary doesn’t respond to him, he tries to talk to Lester. Lester does not respond. Hillary completes her thought in complete coherent sentences.

It is now Trump’s turn to respond. He says, “The Fed is doing political.” Then he goes on some rant about Obama playing golf. I’m really questioning his tax plan now.

9:35pm
Lester asks Trump why he hasn’t released his tax returns. Trump recites some bullshit about an audit, then brings up Hillary’s emails. Because, I guess, an extensive and thorough FBI investigation isn’t enough to lay that matter to rest.

Hillary names all the possible reasons Trump may be hiding his tax returns, including the fact that there is proof he has paid zero dollars in federal income tax.

Trump’s response: “That makes me smart.” Yes, Leona, only the little people pay taxes. He debates with himself about whether or not he’s worth 650 million dollars and offers to provide a random list of banks to Lester. Now he’s saying our airports are like third world airports. Apparently, third world countries have airports where you can visit a bookstore, get a massage and enjoy a meal at a T.G.I. Friday's.

Hillary makes note of Trump’s six bankruptcies. Trump says, “It’s all words.” Yes, Donald, debates are all words.

9:45pm
We’ve moved on to race relations. Hillary lays out ideas for restoring trust, criminal justice reform and gun control.

Trump, on the other hand, chose to talk about law and order. He's a big fan of Law & Order, and we all know he gets his information by watching the shows. Trump: "Lester, I was watching a documentary about crime last night. An African-American cop named Ice-T was tracking a gang of illegal immigrants who have guns and shoot people. Sadly, Ice-T was unable to break up this gang because we don’t have enough law and order. African-Americans and Hispanic people are living in hell and get shot for walking down the street in white neighborhoods where they aren't welcome. So, we need law and order to keep them where they belong, but also to keep them from killing each other in their own neighborhoods. If their neighborhoods are dangerous, then what's to stop them from trying to get into mine?"

Lester asks Trump about ‘Stop and Frisk’ being unconstitutional. Trump says, “It went to a judge who was a very against police judge.” Statements like that really make me question his tax plan.

Hillary points out that all black communities aren’t dire hell holes. Trump groans.

9:57pm
Hillary:
Murders are down in New York City.

Trump:
You’re wrong. Murders are up.

Hillary:
No.

Trump:
(shrugs) All right. We’ll check.
 
10:00pm
Trump:
I’ve been all over. You decided to stay home. That’s okay.

Hillary:
Yes, I prepared for the debate and I’m kicking your ass right now. Call me Madame President, bitch.

Lester asks Trump to explain why he spent five years pushing the birther issue. Trump names random people no one has heard of for reasons known only to him.

Lester:
We’re talking about racial healing. What do you say to African-Americans?

Trump:
I say nothing.

Let the healing begin.

Hillary reminds the voting public of Trump’s racist beginnings back in the seventies when he was sued for not renting to African-Americans.

Trump says he let black people play golf at his club. So there.

10:09pm
We move on to cyber-attacks.

Hillary goes all Putin on Trump’s ass and tells him inviting Putin to hack into DNC computers was batshit.

I shall attempt to recreate Trump’s response:

"I was just endorsed by the Admirals Club, border patrol agents and Vanilla Ice, who is a very good friend of mine. I tried to get all the ICE endorsements. Ice Cube is still on the fence, so to speak. Ice-T, I think, will come around, once I take care of law and order. He’s a Law & Order guy. I never said it was Russia who hacked the DNC. You keep saying Russia, Russia, Russia. It could have been Russia. It could have been probably, maybe, China. It could have been a four hundred pound guy sitting on the bed. It could have been a four hundred pound Chinese guy. Fat people and China are very shifty. So, we have to get tough on the cyber. We have to take very seriously the security of cyber. I have a ten-year-old son. He has computers. He’s so good with the computers. He’s on them all the time talking to, what I hope, are Chinese hookers. Anyway, my ten-year-old son knows how to find Chinese hookers on the Internet, and I'm very, very proud. We invented the Internet, and ISIS learned how to use it while Hillary Clinton wasn’t watching the security of cyber."

10:12pm
Hillary Clinton discusses strategies to defeat ISIS. It seems like she’s put a lot of time and attention into this. Naming foreign countries and cities and terrorist leaders. She’s talking about stopping their online presence and airstrikes.

Let’s see what Trump has to say: “Take the oil. Obama and Hillary are the founders of ISIS because they pulled out of Iraq without taking the oil.”

Hillary checks him: “Trump was for the war in Iraq. George W. Bush made the agreement as to when we leave Iraq. Trump alienates our NATO allies. That’s stupid.” She makes more good points, but I’m getting tired.

10:22pm
Trump has trouble pronouncing terror. It sounds like terrahor. He claims he was always against the Iraq war except for the one time when he told Howard Stern he was in favor of it. He goes on a ridiculously long rant asking people to call Sean Hannity. [CALL THE SEAN HANNITY SHOW: 800.941.7326] Donnie’s really upset no one has called Sean Hannity. I’m not sure who is supposed to call Sean Hannity or what questions to ask Sean Hannity.

Lester points out none of this has anything to do with the question he asked.

Trump starts a new rant about temperament. One of his greatest strengths is his temperament. He has a very winning temperament. He watched Hillary Clinton doing something somewhere and said to himself, “There’s a person with a temperament that’s got a problem.” My concerns over his tax plan continue to grow.

Hillary: “Woo! Okay.” That was my favorite line of the night. She then schools him on foreign policy without mentioning Sean Hannity once. [CALL THE SEAN HANNITY SHOW: 800.941.7326]

10:28pm
On to nuclear weapons.

I think Trump just asked China to drop a nuke on North Korea.

Hillary is reassuring our allies that Trump knows not what he says. We will not abandon our allies or attack them with nuclear weapons.

Lester is trying to move on, but Donnie insists upon finishing some rant about how he wants to help Japan, and Hillary has no business background. It really makes me question his knowledge of nuclear armament and his tax plan.

10:34pm
Lester asks Trump what he meant when he said Hillary Clinton doesn’t have the look to be President.

Trump: “She doesn’t have the look.” That clears that up. He says the President has to do a lot of shit, and he doesn’t think she has the stamina for all that shit. He gives no reason why he doesn’t think she has the stamina, but I think we can safely assume it’s because she has tits.

Hillary: “Motherfucker, do you understand the job requirements of Secretary of State? I was going all Laura Croft Tomb Raider up in this bitch while you were opening golf courses. Blow your nose, then talk to me about stamina.”

Hillary calls him out for trying to switch from looks to stamina. She’s got a Miss Universe up her sleeve. A Hispanic Miss Universe at that. It seems Trump called this woman Miss Piggy and Miss Housekeeping.

I take exception to using Miss Piggy as an insult. Miss Piggy kicks ass. The only other female Muppet is Janice, the stoned chick in the band. This motherfucker insulted the first female presidential nominee, Hispanic Miss Universe and the only good female Muppet. Take him out, Hillary.

Hillary: “Her name is Alicia Machado and she has become a U.S. citizen. And you can bet she’s going to vote this November.”

Yeah. Suck on that, Donnie.

I shall attempt to recreate Trump’s response:

“I said nasty things about Rosie O’Donnell. No one likes Rosie O’Donnell. Hillary made ads about me. She spent money making ads. I was going to bring up something really rough about her family, and I think we all know I’m talking about Monica Lewinsky. If you aren’t sure I’m talking about Monica Lewinsky, meet me in the spin room immediately after this. I’ll be talking about Monica Lewinsky there. Anyway, I was going to bring up Monica Lewinsky, but I decided not to. Well, I didn’t decide not to. My people said I shouldn’t because most people with decency don’t blame the wife when the husband cheats. I don’t know why they think that, because I totally blamed Ivana when I was carrying on a very public affair with Marla Maples. Who, by the way, gave birth to my daughter Tiffany, who isn’t as hot as my daughter Ivanka. Ivanka, not to be confused with her mother Ivana, whose fault it totally is that I cheated on her. Anyway, I decided not to bring up Monica Lewinsky, so I should be commended for taking the high road.”

10:39pm
Lester asks the final question and it’s stupid. Although, I have to say, Lester’s been kind of awesome tonight. He seems especially competent compared to Matt Lauer’s bullshit last week. But, still, the last question is stupid. He asks the candidates if they would support the outcome of the election no matter how it goes.

Hillary: “Yes, because the outcome will be President Hillary Rodham Clinton, bitches. Remember to vote.”

Trump: “Make America great again. We are a nation of losers. We were deporting eight hundred or eighteen hundred people. Perhaps, they were pressing the wrong button, but yes, I will support Hillary Clinton if she wins.”

That weirdly concludes the debate. If you are somehow unclear as to who won the debate, allow me to quote the late Prince:
You walked in, I woke up
I’ve never seen such a pretty girl
Look so tough, baby
You’ve got that look


Namaste, Bitches

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