Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Clear and Present Anger

Free at last. Free at last. Thank God Almighty. Free at last. We made it to the final debate almost unscathed. As a special treat for making it through all three debates, Dr. Donna Troy will be interpreting the body language of the candidates throughout the debate. Dr. Troy has a Ph.D. in body expression from Themyscira University. Go Fighting Amazonians!

Before we begin the Not-So-Live Blog I would like to take a moment to rate the candidates on their looks the same way D.J. Trump rates women. Hillary Clinton is wearing an off white pantsuit which is a very flattering color on her. A lot of people can’t pull that off. Her hair is perfectly coifed and lovely. Her skin is flawless and glowing. And once again, I really like her lipstick. On a scale of one to ten, she’s a ten.

Donald Trump has a protruding old man gut which he is unable to cloak with his expensive Chinese made suits. He’s wearing a red tie which clashes with his orange face and urine colored hair. His skin looks like burnt fried chicken. He has jowls and that’s just gross. He has beady little black eyes, the kind which frightens small children. And of course, his urine colored hair is arranged in that weird ass Dennis the Menace comb over. On a scale of one to ten, he’s a negative fifty-seven.

Now we begin the Not-So-Live Blog.

The debate is being moderated by Chris Wallace, son of Mike. Once again the candidates do not shake hands, but this time they take it one step further and the spouses don’t shake hands either. And while we’re on the subject, I’m not sure why the Trumps were under the impression that the introduction of spouses included Trump’s kids and in-laws. Bill didn’t bring out Chelsea and the grandchildren. Yet, he had to stand there and wade through a swamp of Trumps. So I’m glad they’ve dispensed with the greeting of the spouses since the Trumps clearly don’t understand the definition of spouses.

Mike’s Son: Tell me your views on the Supreme Court and the Constitution.

Clinton: The Supreme Court should be the voice of the people and support progress for our nation. Also, it would be nice if the senate did their job and confirmed that poor man Obama selected before he finds another job. He’s been waiting since March. His unemployment is due to run out soon. He won’t wait forever.

Trump: Justice Ginsberg said some really nasty things about me. She had to apologize for having opinions because the Constitution doesn’t allow justices on the Supreme Court to have opinions. It was really not nice what she said. The first thing I intend to do is fire Justice Ginsberg. She’s out of there. The Second Amendment is very, very important. My opponent wants to do away with the Second Amendment. I have twenty judges who I would appoint to the Supreme Court. I have a list.

Mike’s Son: There are only nine justices on the Supreme Court.

Trump: Says who? If I want twenty justices I’ll have twenty justices. Maybe I’ll have twenty-nine. Maybe I’ll have seven. Who knows? It’ll be my court. You can’t tell me what to do, Mike Wallace. Also, they will be pro-life justices.

Body Language Expert Dr. Troy says: Hillary Clinton appears to be taking notes while Trump is talking, but the relaxed expression on her face tells me she’s not really listening to Trump. I suspect she’s working on the guest list for her inaugural ball. 

Mike’s Son: Secretary Clinton, you think the Supreme Court is wrong on the Second Amendment. What’s wrong with you?

Clinton: I don’t want people to die. Shove that up your pro-life asshole.

Trump: Hillary Clinton was extremely angry about the Supreme Court decision. She was like seriously out of control. What’s up with that?

Clinton: I was angry. Aren’t you glad I didn’t have a gun?

Mike’s Son: Mr. Trump, you oppose any limits on the Second Amendment. That’s kind of weird considering how many people want to shoot you. Can you explain that?

Trump: The NRA endorsed me. Just like with Putin, if they say nice things about me I’ll say nice things about them.

Mike’s Son: Mr. Trump, do you want the court to overturn Roe v. Wade?

Trump: If that happened it would go back to the states.

Mike’s Son: That’s not what I asked.

Trump: It would go back to the states.

Mike’s Son: I’ll repeat the question. Do you want the court to overturn Roe v. Wade?

Trump: It would happen automatically.

Mike’s Son: I give up. Secretary Clinton?

Clinton: Grown women are capable of making their own decisions regarding their healthcare.

Body Language Expert Dr. Troy says: Donald Trump licks his lips while Clinton is talking. He fidgets a lot and his beady little black eyes glare at Secretary Clinton every time she says, “women.” Trump’s body language tells me he’s a massive douchebag who hates women.

Trump: You can rip the baby out of the womb on the final day. That’s terrible. Women are carrying babies for nine months, and then they just rip them out and go off to their Pilates class like nothing happened. That’s horrible what she’s saying.

Clinton: You don’t rip a baby out like you’re ripping off a Band-Aid, you motherfucking moron. Did you see Dirty Dancing?

Trump: That was before Jennifer Grey had the nose job? Then no, I didn’t see it. She was like a three then.

Mike’s Son: Explain your position on immigration. Mr. Trump, we’ll start with you.

Trump: Hillary Clinton wants to let everyone into our country and make them a sandwich. I will build a wall along our southern border. We need to protect the border. I told you about Ice, right? I went to New Hampshire and the biggest problem there is heroine which flows in across our southern border straight to New Hampshire. The people of New Hampshire are furious with Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama for letting the heroine through the border. There are some bad hombres out there.

Regular Language Expert Dr. Troy says: While I don’t know much Spanish, my friend, Chris has advised that Trump mispronounced hombre and what he said is actually translated as hungry. La Bamba.

Clinton: How the fuck do you think eleven million people can be deported? Are we going to send police officers from house to house? They don’t have time for that shit. They have other cases to solve. In fact, there are so many unsolved cases there was a show about it called Unsolved Mysteries. Donald Trump has been hooting and hollering about a wall for a year and a half, but when he finally went to Mexico he choked in front of El Presidente. Then he got into a Twitter war when El Presidente said Mexico isn’t paying for his dumb ass wall.

D.J. Trump: First of all, Mexico president likes me just fine. I didn’t choke. In fact, what I said to Mexico president is. I said, “I ain’t never crossed a man who didn’t deserve it. Me be treated like a punk, you know that’s unheard of. You better watch how you’re talking and where you’re walking. Or you and your homies might be lined in chalk, fool.” And he said to me. He said, “Trump, you’re one bad hombre. I’ll pay for the wall.”

Clinton: Let us not forget he hired undocumented workers to build Trump Tower and then threatened to have them deported when they asked to be paid the fifty cents an hour they were promised.

D.J. Trump: Too much television watching got me chasing dreams, bigly. I’m an educated fool with money on my mind. Got a ten in my hand and a gleam in my eye. I’m a loc’d out gangsta, set tripping banger. And my homies is down, so don’t arouse my anger, bigly.

Notorious H.R.C: That’s ridiculous. Tell me, why are we so blind to see that the ones we hurt are you and me?

Mike’s Son: WikiLeaks.

Trump: Thank you.

Clinton: Putin.

Trump: She won’t say radical Islamic terrorism. Now, we can talk about Putin.

Body Language Expert Dr. Troy says: Hillary is laughing. This tells me she can’t wait for this to be over and is planning a long bath to wash the stank of Trump off her. Perhaps she will soak in Calgon’s Lavender and Honey bath salts, which are awesome. And for some reason I can only find them at Dollar General. 

Trump: I don’t know Putin. He said nice things about me. Wouldn’t it be great if we got along with Russia? They are out nuclearing us and Putin has no respect for her. That I can tell you.

Clinton: That’s because Putin would rather have a puppet in the White House.

Trump: No, you’re the puppet.

Clinton: The Russians have engaged in cyber-attacks against the U.S. You encouraged espionage against our people.

Trump: You’re the puppet.

(Shout out to Joy Reid at MSNBC for working in the word, Muppetational, when covering this moment.)

Trump: Hillary, you have no idea if Russia is doing this.

Clinton: Do you doubt seventeen of our own intelligence agencies?

Trump: Yeah, I doubt it.

Body Language Expert Dr. Troy says: Trump is drinking a lot of water. Possibly because puppets are made of felt and therefore suffer from a dry esophagus.

Clinton: Trump wants to give everyone nuclear weapons.

Trump: I have two hundred admirals and generals endorsing me. General Douglas MacArthur and General George Patton – think about that.

Donna Troy: Wait. Is this a rerun? 

Mike’s Son: We’re moving on to the economy. Could each of you explain your economic policies?

Clinton: I’m investing in the middle class. I’m creating new jobs in clean energy. We’re going to tax the wealthiest one percent.

Donna Troy: Yeah, I think this is a rerun. 

Trump: I love NATO, but these countries haven’t been paying. I said a year ago, “Why aren’t they paying?” Then they started paying and I’ve been given a lot of credit for that. And Hillary Clinton comes out and says, “We love our allies.” How we can get them to pay when we have someone saying, “We think how great they are.”

Donna Troy: I’m starting to question his tax plan. Wait. Is my blog a rerun? Is this Groundhog’s Day? Shit. Trump’s talking about NAFTA and jobs going to Mexico. I think I’ve seen this before. 

Clinton: (Pulls out phone.) Siri, please translate that.

Siri: Donald Trump has no clue what the fuck he is talking about. Translation complete.

Mike’s Son: All economists who have looked at your plan have said your economic plan is unrealistic.

Trump: I just talked to some people from India. People are crying because the factories have closed. People in America, not the people in India. India people have nothing to do with American factories because our jobs are going to Mexico and China. TPP, Hillary is for it.

Clinton: Donald Trump built his hotel with illegal Chinese steel.

Trump: Yeah, but Hillary Clinton didn’t stop me. She was a senator. She could have stopped me from buying illegal Chinese steel, but she didn’t. How do explain that Hillary? If you don’t want me using Chinese steel, try and stop me.

Clinton: I was busy overseeing the capture and execution of Osama Bin Laden while you were breaking up fights between Piers Morgan and Stephen Baldwin on the Celebrity Apprentice.

Body Language Expert Dr. Troy says: Donald Trump is shaking his head and looking down a lot. We can deduct from this that he’s looking for his balls. 

Trump: Blah, blah, blah, buildings and massive company. Blah, blah, blah, small one million dollar loan from my father. Blah, blah, blah, Hillary created ISIS.

Body Language Expert Dr. Troy says: Hillary is smiling and rolling her eyes at Trump. We can deduct from this that she has his missing balls. 

Mike’s Son: Mr. Trump, you said wretched creepy things about women to Billy Bush. Since then a dozen women have come forward to say you did wretched creepy things to them. What say you to that?

D.J. Trump: Power and the money, money and the power. Minute after minute, hour after hour. Everybody’s running, but half of them ain’t looking. It’s going on in the kitchen, but I don’t know what’s cooking. They say I gotta learn, but nobody’s here to teach me. If they can’t understand it, how can they reach me. I guess they can’t. I guess they won’t. I guess they front.

Notorious H.R.C.: Now I can bring home the bacon (yeah), fry it in the pan (yeah)
Never let you forget that you're a man
'cause I'm a W-O-M-A-N
That's what I am, doin' all I can
The thing that makes me mad and crazy, upset
Got to break my neck just to get my respect
Go to work and get paid less than a man
When I'm doin' the same damn thing that he can
When I'm aggressive then I'm a bitch
When I got attitude you call me a witch
It ain’t nothing, but a she thing.

Trump: No one has more respect for women than me. Emails.

Clinton: Now I shall list all the people Donald Trump has insulted.

Donna Troy: I’m almost positive this is a rerun now.

Mike’s Son: Secretary Clinton, tells us about the Clinton Foundation.

Clinton: Fuck that. Let’s talk about the Trump Foundation. He used charity money to buy a life sized painting of himself.

Body Language Expert Dr. Troy says: Donald Trump’s beady little black eyes are getting rather shifty. This tells me he really thought that painting was a wise investment. Something that would be worth a lot of money after he was president. 

Trump: A hundred percent of the money goes to charity.

Mike’s Son: Wasn’t some of the money used to pay a fine?

Trump: We put up a flag.

Clinton: He doesn’t pay taxes. Don’t forget that.

Trump: Hillary didn’t stop me.

Mike’s Son: We’ve heard this all before.

Donna Troy: I’d like to thank Mike’s son for clearing up the rerun confusion.

Mike’s Son: Mr. Trump, you have been claiming the election is rigged. Will you accept the result of this election?

Trump: I can’t tell you that. I don’t like to lose. No one likes a loser, so I can’t be a loser. So, if I lose and it looks like, probably, that’s going to happen, I can’t say I’ll accept the results because that would make me a loser. I’m a winner. Everyone knows it. People come up to me all the time and they say to me. They say, “Trump, everything you touch turns to gold. You’re a winner.” And I say to them, “I know. I don’t understand why women complain when I grab them by their “wherevers” because it turns their “wherevers” into gold. I get a little thrill and they get a golden “wherever.” Everybody’s happy.” I will look at the election results at the time.

Body Language Expert Dr. Troy says: Hillary Clinton has what is known as a shit eating grin on her face. This tells me she is pleased with Donnie’s answer. 

Mike’s Son: Mr. Trump, I’m going to do you a solid and give you another chance to answer this question.

Trump: I will tell you at the time. I’ll keep you in suspense. You know, Mike Wallace, I’ve been called the master of suspense by many, many people.

Mike’s Son: That was Alfred Hitchock.

Trump: No, I don’t think so.

Clinton: This is what he does. Whenever he loses something, he claims the system is rigged. He claimed the Emmys were rigged because he didn’t win an Emmy for The Apprentice.

Trump: I should have won. I had a deal with Martin Sheen, also known as, Ramon Esteves. Look it up, folks.

The debate goes on for another twenty minutes, but most people stopped listening once Trump refused to concede the election. I’ll sum up. They talked about foreign affairs. You can read the Not-So-Live blogs of the last two debates to see how that went down because nothing has changed.

We shall skip ahead to the part where Trump calls Hillary a nasty woman. Hillary takes a shot a Trump saying he’ll try to get out of paying for Social Security. Trump calls her “such a nasty woman.” In my mind Hillary responded, “Who’s jamming to my nasty groove?”

Knowing Stuff About The Future Expert Dr. Troy says: Two weeks later Hillary Clinton will be elected the first woman President of the United States. 

This concludes the debate.

Early voting began in my state the day after the debate. I promptly went to vote along with three of my friends. Thanks to Donnie, I learned that perpetrating voter fraud is easy and I live in a swing state. After I voted I went outside, changed my shirt, put on some glasses and went back in to vote as my twin, Dianna Troy. It was super easy.

My friend, Gina, was really tempted to write in her own name for president for no other reason than she thought it exciting to see her name on the ballot. If I may offer some advice to undecided voters and republicans who are too stubborn to vote for Hillary. Gina is wonderful alternate choice. She is kind and funny and most importantly, she will perform a completely out of tune rendition of We Are The World on demand. That alone is reason enough to vote for her. Remember, “There’s a choice we’re making. We’re saving our own lives.” Vote for Gina.

Namaste, Bitches

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