Saturday, September 24, 2016

There Will Be Blood

On Monday, September 26th, the first presidential debate will take place on NBC. According to NBC, this is the most anticipated debate in history. In my Happy Magical Dream World, the debate is highly anticipated due to the historic nature of the first woman nominee. In my shitty reality, all of America will be tuning in to see if Donald Trump brags about the size of his dick, again.

In any event, I'm choosing to live in my delusion. Join me now as we journey into a magical world where presidential nominees answer questions the way I want them to and dick size is not debated.

Ahhh... I've arrived in my Happy Magical Dream World. It smells like honeysuckle and a shirtless Johnny Depp is making a chocolate milkshake for me. This is so much better than my shitty reality where I don't get to have Johnny Depp or milkshakes. I see some of you haven't joined me, yet. Hurry up. Jesus, I don't have all night. Whatever. Fuck it. I'm starting without you.

The debate is about to begin on the lawn at Graceland. Because I've never been there and I've always wanted to go. Following the debate, Johnny Depp and I will be taking a private tour of Graceland. The rest of you will be asked to leave Happy Magical Dream World at that time.

I'm assuming Graceland has a porch. So I'll put Clinton and Trump on the porch I'm assuming exists. Lester Holt will be moderating from a picnic table at the bottom of the steps. The rest of us will be on the lawn sipping milkshakes while lounging on comfy pool chairs. If you didn't get a milkshake, you must have gotten here late. Johnny Depp doesn't have time to make one for you now.

Lester: Welcome to the first presidential debate of the 2016 election. Blah, blah, blah, rules and shit. Blah, blah, blah, NBC. Blah, blah, blah, opening statements.

Trump: Make America great again, okay, folks. That's what it's all about. I'm doing fantastic with the polls and the votes and the democracy of it all. When elected, I, Donald J. Trump will by executive order end the presidency. We've had Presidents for our entire history, folks. And where has it gotten us? We're losing like never before. The economy is a mess. Poor little baby children are born in the ghetto and their mamas cry. That's from an Elvis song. Did you get that? "In The Ghetto" is one of the great, great Elvis songs. Another great Elvis song is "King Creole." So when I'm elected, I'll declare myself king, King Trump. And I've earned it, folks. I mean Elvis, here's a guy who sang a little song and did a little dance and the liberal media started calling him the king. He didn't have to be elected or give speeches or debate women, who in my opinion, shouldn't even be allowed to run because they're not as good as a man. And, by the way, since the position has been changed from President to King, I believe Hillary Clinton is disqualified. Am I right? This is why I'm one of the great negotiators. I'm playing checkers while Hillary is playing chess. Now, King me, America.

Thank you, Mr. Trump. Secretary Clinton, your opening statement.

Clinton: My fellow Americans, I'm your only hope. I'm the Obi-Wan Kenobi of this election. You need to get this right. I stand before you today and suffer the indignity of debating this Deplorable Basket Person. If you make the wrong choice, do not ask me for help when the time comes to overthrow King Trump. Clean up your own mess. I am not your mother.

Mr. Trump, ISIS is one of the biggest threats to our national security. If elected President or King, what would you do to defeat ISIS?

Lester, I can tell you I will defeat ISIS. Believe me. And don't forget, ISIS formed because Barrack Obama is a black man who didn't know what was going on when Hillary Clinton was using a private email server.

Secretary Clinton, Mr. Trump makes a good point. Please explain your use of a private email server to America, Johnny Depp and the Elvis Presley Estate.

I'm done talking about emails, bitches.

(She removes her shoes, throws one at Trump and the other at Lester causing his glasses to break.)

Now, ask him about his tax returns, Lester.

Okay... Mr. Trump, why haven't you released your tax returns?

Audit.

Sounds plausible. Moving on. I don't know what the next question is because I can't read the cards without my glasses. So... I guess... I'd like to ask each candidate, what is your favorite Elvis song and why? Secretary Clinton, let's start with you.

"A Little Less Conversation." That's a song that really speaks to where I'm at today. A little less conversation and a little more action, please. I talk and talk and answer the same questions over and over again to the Lester Holts and Matt Lauers of the world. And for what? No one listens. I've been fighting for childcare and paid family leave for thirty years. And yet, Donald and his daughter/lover, Ivanka, said just last week that I have no childcare plan. Now don't get me wrong, I expect the Trumps to lie, but I also expect someone to call bullshit besides my good friend, Donna Troy, who's here supporting me tonight.

(I wave from the lawn while Johnny Depp rubs my feet.)

It's time for action. I'm kicking ass and taking names. Lester and his broken glasses know what I'm talking about. Don't you, Lester?

Mr. Trump, your favorite Elvis song?

First of all, I'm offended by the horrible, horrible things Hillary Clinton just said about my daughter. My kids are great. People come up to me all the time to compliment me on how well my kids turned out despite everything. And I tell them, I say, a lot of the credit goes to my wives, but mostly it was me. I told my kids every day, "don't do drugs." And my kids have never done drugs to this very day. I'm very, very proud of that. For Hillary Clinton to insinuate there's anything wrong with my kids...

Please. Little Don just compared refugees to Skittles.

So? What's wrong with that? This is what I've been saying all along. People are forced to be politically correct because we've got to be like, oh no, I can't say this and I can't say that. I might offend somebody. That's why Hillary Clinton is so boring and reads off a prompter. She's even taking notes right now. I mean, how boring can you be? And Don sent out the Skittles Tweet because Barrack Obama and Hillary Clinton are letting tens of thousands of refugees into this country with poisoned Skittles. That's what I'm hearing.

Secretary Clinton, your response.

Taste the rainbow, motherfucker.

I think we're getting a bit off track here. Mr. Trump, your favorite Elvis song?

I've always said, and you can ask anyone, I've said "Rock-A-Hula Baby" is one of the great rock songs. It's got a good beat and you can dance to it. Would you like to see me do a little dance? Can we get some music? Would you like that?

Some other time, perhaps. I'm afraid it's time for closing statements.

All ready?

Yes, Donna Troy has requested the debate be short because she has plans with Johnny Depp, later. Secretary Clinton, your closing statement.

My fellow Americans, Donald Trump has asked you to make him King. But when asked about his favorite Elvis song, he chose "Rock-A-Hula Baby." A song Elvis himself wouldn't even choose. No self-respecting Elvis fan would. No self-respecting American would. Now, maybe Mr. Trump has a hulu lulu from Honolulu. I don't know. But I do know those lyrics don't make sense and neither does Donald Trump.

Mr. Trump, your closing statement.

Oh, Hillary wants to talk about who's got a hulu lulu? You really want to go down that road? Okay, let's do it. The things she did to the women Bill Clinton had affairs with – it's just horrible, folks. And you can read the stories. They're all out there and when poor Monica Lewinski is unemployed because no one will hire her.

Say Lewinski one more time, motherfucker. I dare you.

(Hillary picks up a shard of Lester Holt's broken glasses and walks over to Donald Trump.)

Monica Lewin-

(Hillary slits his throat, silencing Donald Trump forever. He's not dead. He's just unable to speak ever again. No one dies in Happy Magical Dream World.)

This concludes the first, and probably the last debate of the 2016 presidential election.

For those of you in Happy Magical Dream World as my guest, it's time for you to leave. Don't get an attitude. I told you earlier, Johnny and I have plans and you're not invited.

I'll give you a quick recap of what happened after you left. NBC conducted a poll of the people on the Graceland lawn. Johnny Depp and I declared Hillary Clinton the winner of the debate for choosing the better Elvis song.

Namaste, Bitches

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