Monday, September 5, 2016

The White Album

After fifteen months of crude racial slurs, and threats of wall building and deporting the citizens of Indiana, someone pointed out to Donald Trump that he needs an actual immigration policy. He immediately fired that person, then began drafting an immigration policy claiming it had been his plan to do so all along. In an attempt to create a winning strategy, he met with some Hispanic people for about an hour at Trump Tower. Donnie wanted to treat them to their native cuisine, so he had his private chef prepare taco salads. After meeting with the Taco Salad Commission, Donnie traveled to Mexico where he met with President Enrique Peña Nieto. From these meetings, Donnie's greatest and boldest act of copyright infringement was born: his ten point immigration plan – hereinafter referred to as The Trump White Album.


Track One – Back in the U.S.S.R.
"Come and keep your comrade warm"

Following the weird and random meeting with President Peña Nieto, The Donnie and El Presidente gave a weird and random press conference. When asked about the wall, The Donnie said it didn't come up. Which was odd considering the stupid and impractical wall has been the basis for his entire campaign. Later that day, President Peña Nieto sent out a tweet contradicting The Donnie:
"Repito lo que le dije personalmente, Sr. Trump: México jamás pagaría por un muro."
Trump retweeted it believing it to read, "Mexico loves Sr. Trump very much." Shortly after, a member of the Taco Salad Commission properly translated it for Donnie:
"I repeat what I told him personally, Mr. Trump: Mexico will never pay for a wall."
Trump. Was. Pissed. Later that evening, Trump made the following statement during his much anticipated immigration policy speech:
Mexico doesn't know it yet, but they're paying for the wall.
After which, President Peña Nieto sent out another tweet:
"Sr. Trump, no."
Trump showed the tweet to his Taco Salad translator who advised him "no" means the same thing in English and Spanish.

Track Two – Happiness is a Warm Gun
"Lying with his eyes while his hands are busy"

Trump has vowed to end catch-and-release. This applies only to immigrants, not fish. Track Two states any immigrant who is in the country illegally and is arrested by law enforcement will be detained until they are deported. It's important to note this only applies to brown immigrants. If say, a white guy from England who's in the country illegally gets busted with drugs, it's cool.

Track Three – The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill
"He's the all American bullet-headed Saxon mother's son"

Trump will create a deportation task force and focus on criminals in the country illegally. He will make deporting criminals a top priority. Trump is counting on the ignorance of his supporters, because we already do this.

Track Four – Glass Onion
"I told you about the fool on the hill
I tell you man he living there still"

Trump will defund "sanctuary cities," cities which have policies in place that aid or protect undocumented workers. A bill to defund "sanctuary cities" was rejected by the Senate two months ago. When asked how he planned to get the bill passed, Donnie said he planned on doing something he called the thing from The Matrix.

And now I direct you to this article in Mother Jones about how Trump Model Management used foreign models who came to the United States on tourist visas that did not permit them to work.


Track Five – Revolution
"You say you got a real solution
Well, you know
We'd all love to see the plan"

Trump plans to cancel all of President Obama's executive actions. Like the one that grants children brought into the country illegally temporary legal status, because fuck the children. And the one that gives temporary legal status to parents of American citizens, because fuck the children.

Track Six – Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except Me and My Monkey
"Your inside is out and your outside is in"

This is Trump's extreme vetting plan. You may be asking yourself, "What the fuck is extreme vetting?" According to Donnie, extreme vetting is a process by which people will be asked a series of stupid questions before being allowed to enter the country. Examples of extreme vetting follow:

1.
Do you plan to commit an act of terror while in the country?

2.
Did you lie when you answered the previous question?

3.
Do you know where you're going to?

4.
Do you like the things that life is showing you?

5.
Where are you going to?

6.
Do you know?

Track Seven – Wild Honey Pie
"Oh honey pie you are driving me frantic
Sail across the Atlantic
To be where you belong"

Trump intends to force other nations to take back those whom the U.S. wants to deport. He didn't say how he planned to accomplish this, but sources say he plans on doing something he calls that thing from The Matrix.

Track Eight – Yer Blues
"The eagle picks my eye
The worm he licks my bone"

Trump intends to track and identify immigrants with biometrics such as fingerprinting, retinal scans and something he calls that thing from The Matrix.

Track Nine – I'm So Tired
"You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm"

Trump believes making E-Verify mandatory will limit job opportunities for undocumented workers. I can speak from personal professional experience on this one. E-Verify is a fucking joke.

For starters, people who have lived and worked in the U.S. their entire lives act like they've never filled out an I-9 before. I've had to inform someone that a bus pass is not a valid form of ID. True story.

Next, women change their names a lot depending upon their marital status. This causes problems as they may have legally changed their name, but not their driver's license, etc. So, I'm wasting a lot of time looking up the wrong name. A woman argued with me because she put one name on the I-9, had a different name on her Social Security card and yet, a third name on her license. But it was obviously my fault I couldn't figure out which was her current legal name. Which resulted in having to run her through E-Verify multiple times. Which is supposed to be a red flag. But as it turns out, changing husbands every time the seasons change doesn't affect one's eligibility for employment. True story.

Then there are people who firmly believe it is their constitutional right to withhold the information that is required on the I-9 form. That information being name, address, SSN, date of birth and two forms of ID. I've never had an employer who didn't possess that basic knowledge about me and I have no clue why these people think they don't have to share it. A jackass once asked me why I needed this information. I said, "I don't. The United States government needs it. We can't hire you without it. Do you want a job or not?" True story.

Finally, my personal favorite, this dumb bitch I used to work with was trying to get her boyfriend a job. She brings me his I-9. When I take a look at it, I see she has given me a copy of his Mexican passport as ID. I walk it back over to her. She looks up at me, rolls her eyes, sighs and says, "Yes?" This dumb bitch has decided to make the fact that she can't support herself and her boyfriend my problem, and she has the nerve to act like I'm bothering her.

Me: I can't use this. This is a Mexican passport.

Dumb Bitch: How do you know that?

Me: It's in Spanish, number one. It says Estados Unidos Mexicanos, number two.

Dumb Bitch: Oh.

True story.

By law, you can't run an E-Verify check until you've offered the person a job. Once they've been offered a job, you have three days to run E-Verify. Since we can't get people to complete their I-9s properly and in a timely fashion, we are never in compliance with E-Verify. And somehow we've been getting away with it. True story. E-Verify is a fucking joke.

Track Ten – Helter Skelter
"Will you, won't you want me to make you
I'm coming down fast but don't let me break you"

Trump's final track in his ten track plan from his one track mind is to limit legal immigration. That's right. He doesn't like illegal immigrants, but he's not crazy about the legal ones either. Except, of course, for the ones he's married. From what I gathered during his speech, Donnie is personally going to pick who gets to come into the country. He plans to pick people who will assimilate well and not try to bring any part of their culture here because we already have taco salads. He also won't be letting people in who plan to take jobs away from American workers, like those undocumented Polish workers he hired to build Trump Tower.

Most importantly, under this policy Libyan and Syrian refugees are out. Trump plans to change the plaque on the Statue of Liberty in order to downplay his whole being-a-total-dick-to-refugees thing. Currently it reads:
“Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she
With silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”
Under a Trump administration it will read:
"'Oh shut up, silly woman,' said the reptile with a grin.
'You knew damn well I was a snake before you took me in.'"
Namaste, Bitches

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