Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Speechless

Melania Trump's speech was supposed to be the highlight on the first night of the RNC. It was a good speech, and true to Trump form, it was not without bullshit drama. Shortly after the RNC convened for the evening, it was discovered that Melania Trump had Milli Vanilli-ed the speech. Yep. She didn't sing a single note. Michelle Obama was the original recording artist. I, for one, am sick of immigrants crossing our borders, taking our jobs and stealing our speeches.

Knowing that a possible, but not likely, future First Lady would plagiarize a speech damages the credibility of not only Melania, but her husband, @realDonaldTrump. (I say this only for the idiots who believed these assholes had any credibility in the first place.) Through my super special top secret connections, and Wikipedia, I've received an advance copy of Trump's acceptance speech, which he plans on delivering Thursday. Some of it sounds awfully familiar. Judge for yourselves.


The Greatest Acceptance Speech Any Presidential Nominee Has Ever Given In The Entire History of America, Nominees and Speeches

Folks, four score and seven years ago is eighty-seven years ago, okay. I know this because I graduated from the Wharton School of Business. I'm exceptional with the maths. Are we doing this? Let's do this. I, Donald J. Trump, accept the Republican nomination for President of the United States. First, I want to thank Cleveland and all the people who came out to support me tonight. Don Jr., Eric, Tiffany and especially, Ivanka. Melania is at home with the youngest one. Didn't she give a great speech the other night, folks. It was fantastic. She wrote it all herself. I didn't know she was such a good writer. I read it on the plane. I said, "Honey, you wrote this?" She nodded. Couldn't believe it. Could not believe it. I say this not in a braggadocios way, but it was probably the greatest First Lady speech ever. I said, "Honey, you have to help me with my speech." She nodded. She has a great head on her shoulders. She has great things beneath her shoulders, too. Amazing stuff. That I can tell you.

Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey is here. Do we love New Jersey? Chris was on my short list for VP, but he didn't make it to the final boardroom. Look, I love Chris. He's great and he has a great future ahead of him, but I said to him, "How can I pick a guy who dropped out of the race before John Kasich? I just can't do it. It makes you look like a loser. I can't have a loser for my number two. Can't do it. It would make me look like a loser. Trump is not about to lose. We're going to win and win big." But you know what, folks, I'm going to give five thousand dollars to Chris's charity. Am I nice or what?

Governor Mike Pence is here from Indiana. Is he great or what? You know, we announced Mike would be my running mate last week, but just so you know, folks, I haven't made my final, final, final, final decision yet. It could be, it'll probably be Mike, but I don't know. We'll have to see how things go. We did an interview together on 60 Minutes. Did you see 60 Minutes? The last time I did 60 Minutes I met Putin. We got along fantastically, folks. Putin said to me, "Mr. Trump, I think you'll be a tremendous president. Tell me, what will you do for the people of Russia?" I said, "Putin, ask not what Trump can do for you, but what you can do for Trump." (Applause line.) He was blown away by that, folks. Let me just tell you. Blown away.

Speaking of John Kasich, we're in Ohio, the great state of Ohio, and the Republican Governor John Kasich hasn't got the class to show up to my convention. I called him last night and I said to him, "John, what are you doing?" He says to me, "I don't have time to talk right now." Can you believe it, folks? I'm probably, most likely, going to be President and this pissant little governor doesn't have time to talk to me. I said to him, "John, you're putting a wall between us. I'm trying to unite the party and the country. Mr. Kasich, tear down this wall." (Applause line.)

I hear from others in the party. They don't think I spend enough time going after Crooked Hillary. I said to them, "What are you talking about? No one has gone after Crooked Hillary more than Trump. I gave her the name Crooked Hillary. No one was calling her Crooked Hillary before I started calling her Crooked Hillary. That I can tell you. When people think of Crooked Hillary they think of Trump." They say I get sidetracked too easily and they want me to read off a prompter. That's boring. Do you want me to read from a prompter, folks? I didn't think so. So, they say I need to go after Crooked Hillary more. Scott Baio is here tonight. Do we love Scott Baio? Remember Joanie Loves Chachi? Do you remember that? That show was a total disaster. I love Scott, but no one wants to hear him sing. Okay. I have to take a little shot at you, Scott. Really. Great actor. Bad singer. And why would Happy Days spin off Joanie and Chachi? Ron Howard had already left the show. Fonzie was getting older. Joanie and Chachi were the main characters on Happy Days. You don't spin off the main characters. Joanie and Chachi aren't a spin-off. Potsie is a spin-off. Let me just tell you, if Trump were producing that show, Joanie and Chachi would have never left and The Potsie Show would probably still be on the air today. It would be the longest running show of all time. Fortunately, Joanie Loves Chachi only lasted one season and Joanie and Chachi returned to Happy Days. Our long national nightmare was over. (Applause line.)

Let me finish off by saying, I have a dream. I have a dream that one day all Mexicans will get the hell out of here. Just go back where they came from. I have a dream. I have a dream that a big beautiful wall will be built on our Southern Border and The Trump Organization will build it and Mexico will pay for it. I have a dream. I have a dream that Donald J. Trump will be the greatest jobs president God ever created. I have a dream. I have a dream that a gold statue of Donald J. Trump will be erected in front of the White House. I have a dream. I have a dream that people will stop accusing me of having an inappropriate relationship with my daughter just because I expressed my desire to do so on The View. I have a dream. Of course, I'm talking about my daughter, Ivanka, not Tiffany. Tiffany was a huge mistake, okay. Back to Ivanka, just so you know, folks. Read my lips, I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ivanka Trump.


Namaste, Bitches

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