Saturday, May 7, 2016

The Amazing Racist

Previously on The Republican Apprentice... Over the last fifty-two weeks the candidates fought to win the approval of the uneducated electorate. They faced tough challenges each week such as: convincing the American public Planned Parenthood employees dine on embryos, or that the Biblical Joseph built the Egyptian pyramids to store grain. Some went down without a fight. Others rose to the occasion with name calling, verbal abuse, mud slinging and bloodshed. Literally, blood was shed. In the end no money was raised for charity, but the Kennedy assassination was solved. We began with seventeen contestants. Who will win? And who will be named The Biggest Loser?

Rick Perry, Scott Walker, Lindsey Graham, George Pataki and Bobby I-Have-A-Tan-I'm-Not-Indian Jindal were somehow all voted off the island before a single vote was cast.

This was Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee's second bid for the Republican nomination. Reality TV viewers grew familiar with Governor Huckabee through his association to the Duggar family of 19 Kids and Counting. And by "association" I mean his shameless defense of a serial child molester. After a poor showing in Iowa, Huckabee joined Team Trump. He defended Trump's racist bullshit by claiming Trump isn't as sensitive to racism because he's not from the South. And this makes sense because... no.

Senator Rand Paul came out swinging and called Donald Trump an orange-faced windbag. Trump counterpunched by pointing out Paul's polling numbers were so low he shouldn't even be on the debate stage. Then Paul's numbers got so low he wasn't on the debate stage. Then Iowa voted and Rand Paul didn't receive a rose. Rand now says he'll support Trump if he's the Republican nominee. Orange-Faced Windbag 2016!

Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum dropped out of the race the same day as Rand Paul. No one noticed he was gone.
Carly Fiorina was fired from her CEO position at Hewlett Packard, and she ran a failed senate campaign. This extensive background in failure helped when she failed to convince the public she saw a video of Planned Parenthood employees eating embryos. She also failed to produce said video. According to Donald Trump, her campaign for the presidency failed because she's ugly. Fiorina later joined Team Cruz and was his VP pick for seven whole days before failing yet again. Probably because she's ugly. Look for Carly on an upcoming episode of the E! plastic surgery series Botched.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie ran under the campaign slogan, "Telling it like it is." And Christie went after Trump. Hard. He warned poorly educated voters not to vote for an "entertainer in chief" and told them Trump doesn't have the first idea of how to run a government. He called Trump "unqualified in temperament and experience." Then Christie fell for Trump. Hard. Like he's so in love with Donald Trump it's literally painful to watch. The cast of Jersey Shore will be holding an intervention for their fallen governor on an upcoming episode of A&E's Intervention.

Two days later, Jim Gilmore dropped out of the race. Begging the question, who the fuck is Jim Gilmore? And how did he last so long?

At the start of the race everyone thought Florida Governor Jeb! Bush was the one to beat. The Donnie went after him immediately. And he went after him Omarosa style. He called Jeb! a low-energy light-weight. Donnie blamed Jeb! for the Iraq war and the 7-Eleven attacks. Because Jeb! has the same last name as his brother, President George W. Bush, who engaged the U.S. in the Iraq war. George W. was also President when Rafael Cruz, father of Ted Lucifer Cruz, orchestrated the 7-Eleven attacks with Lee Harvey Oswald. That's why you can't get a Super Big Gulp in New York to this day. Jeb! wasn't having any of that. He fought back. Sort of. He looked down and shook his head a lot with a goofy kind of grin. If you listen closely during the Republican debates you can hear him mumble, "I can't believe this shit is happening. I should have been President. My dumbass brother fucks up everything."

Jeb! pulled out all the stops to win in South Carolina. He added an exclamation point to his name. He came up with a great new slogan, "Jeb! Can Fix It. Sorry, My Brother Broke It." He somehow managed to get his mother, Barbara Bush, to leave the crypt and campaign for him. But it was all over when Donnarosa teased him for campaigning with his "mommy." Jeb! dropped out of the race after a poor showing in South Carolina and joined Team Cruz. Jeb! has turned his attention to competing on the upcoming season of America's Got Talent where he will dance The Macarena. Please clap.

Dr. Ben Carson ran on breaking down stereotypes. For example, the stereotype that all brain surgeons are smart has been crushed. Like Fiorina and Trump, Dr. Carson has no background in elected office. In his autobiography he told of his wild youth when he attempted to bludgeon his mother with a hammer and stab a friend. He also claimed he'd been offered a scholarship to West Point despite the fact that West Point doesn't award scholarships. The liberal media dug into these stories and found no corroborating evidence. Dr. Carson got angry and you wouldn't like him when he's angry. He called it a media witch hunt to dig into his childhood. Just because he wrote a book about it doesn't give the liberal media the right to fact check the book. Dr. Carson sure as hell didn't. Dr. Carson did sign off on a TV movie based on said book starring Cuba Gooding, Jr. (As a fan of TV movies starring Cuba Gooding, Jr. as an alleged knife-wielding psychopath, I recommend American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson. It's twice as stabby as Gifted Hands: The Ben Carson Story.)

Despite running on a life story that was complete bullshit, Dr. Carson was poised to do well in Iowa. That was before he was dealt a one-two punch by both Ted Lucifer Cruz and The Donnie. The Lucifer campaign started a rumor that Dr. Carson was dropping out of the race the morning of the caucus. The Donnie called Dr. Carson "a pathological," whatever that means, and compared him to a child molester.

Dr. Carson was unable to recover and soon after dropped out of the race. He has since joined Team Trump. When asked how he could support Trump after the things he's said about him, Dr. Carson responded, "There are two Donald Trumps." He wasn't speaking metaphorically. The doctor literally believes Donald Trump has an evil twin. Luckily, you don't have to be a brain surgeon to model. Congratulations, Dr. Ben Carson, you're still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model.

Florida Senator "Little" Marco Rubio would probably still be in the race if he hadn't made one fatal mistake. During a campaign stop, he made a joke about Donald Trump's tiny orange hands in relation to his tiny orange penis. The rest is tiny orange history. "Little" Marco will be performing his stand up routine on an upcoming episode of Little Big Shots with Steve Harvey.

Texas Senator Ted Lucifer-In-The-Flesh Cruz vowed to see the race through to the convention in July. Though no mathematical way to the nomination existed, he stated repeatedly the race would go to a contested convention. Lucifer and The Donnie traded blows for months culminating in a winner-take-all fight in Indiana, which some have been referring to as Raiders of the Lost Trailer Park.

After losing five boardrooms or "primaries" the previous week, Lucifer Cruz was leaving nothing to chance. He formed alliances with former adversaries John Kasich and Carly Fiorina. Kasich, who was still in the race for reasons known only to him, agreed not to campaign in Indiana. Why Kasich chose not to campaign before he agreed to the alliance is anyone's guess. Then in an a surprising twist, Cruz chose three time loser Carly Fiorina as his running mate.

The day before the primary, Lucifer tried to debate with Trump supporters on the street. This proved to be as effective as debating Trump himself. After losing the parking lot debate to a man in a dirty sweatshirt, Cruz redeemed himself later that day by fighting with a ten-year-old boy at a rally. The little boy in question was removed by security after he yelled, "you suck," at Lucifer.

But The Donnie proved to be a tougher competitor than Lucifer knew. Trump dropped a bombshell on the day of the primary. Rafael Cruz, father of Lucifer, was involved in the Kennedy assassination. Donnie knows this because he read it in a "credible publication," The National Enquirer. I heard from a "credible source" that Donnie and the owner of The National Enquirer are BFFs. By "credible source" I mean it's something my brother told me. Since Donnie has redefined the word "credible," it works.

Donnie Trump overwhelmingly won the Indiana primary and Lucifer Cruz dropped out of the race, which means one or possibly both of the following things must be true:

Rafael Cruz was actually involved in the Kennedy assassination. He is the father of Lucifer, so it's not that wild a stretch.

Or:

Ted Cruz really is "Lucifer In The Flesh," as John Boehner pronounced him. The good people of Indiana met in a cornfield, sprinkled some holy water on a Ted Cruz doll they carved out of a corncob and shouted to the skies, "The power of Christ compels you!" Then Lucifer quietly slunk away to Canada. Or Texas. Or Cuba. Or a Ramada Inn in Indianapolis. I don't know. The devil is everywhere.

Since leaving the Republican race, Lucifer Cruz has devoted his time to suing Gordon Ramsey for the right's to Hell's Kitchen. Hell and all it's subsidiaries are the trademark property of Lucifer Cruz, Inc.

The day after Lucifer dropped out of the race, John Kasich finally realized there was no point in continuing his pancake tour across the U.S. He will be a guest judge on an upcoming episode of MasterChef.

And finally, The Cheese Stands Alone. Donald J. Trump is the presumptive nominee of the Republican Party. After eleven months of lying, bragging, bullying, threatening nuclear war with our allies, building imaginary walls to keep our neighbors out, belittling women, belittling the handicapped, belittling veterans, belittling Hispanics, belittling Muslims, belittling African-Americans, belittling the Pope and generally being an all around douche bag, Donald J. Trump has been crowned The Amazing Racist.

Coming this November... Presidential Apprentice All Stars. Trump will compete with Hillary Clinton, possibly Bernie Sanders, but most likely Hillary Clinton. America will decide the winner.

The winner, most likely Hillary Clinton, but possibly Bernie Sanders, will win the White House.

The loser, most likely Donald Trump, but possibly the entire United States of America, will be deported. You are the Weakest Link. Goodbye.

Namaste, Bitches

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