Sunday, April 10, 2016

Broken Heroes on a Last Chance Power Drive

They're here. They're queer. Get over it.

Several states have recently passed Religious Freedom Bills. Ironically, these "Freedom" bills deny the freedoms of gay, lesbian and transgender people. This may seem unfair, but the Bible clearly states, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, unless you disagree with their lifestyle even if it has zero impact unto your life."

Republicans claim to be against government involvement in the lives of individuals. So, why the fuck do they care if gay people get married and who's allowed to sell them cupcakes? In fairness to the Republican homophobes, most of them are from a time when gay people were still in the closet. A time when we told ourselves Bert and Ernie are just roommates who sleep in the same room and take baths together. Eventually, we woke up and realized Bert and Ernie are in love. No harm has come. Children are still learning the alphabet.

Religious Freedom Bills grant companies the right to refuse service to people based on religious opposition. They can even deny employment and housing. I don't claim to be a theological scholar, but I'm almost positive this isn't what Jesus would do.

Super religious cupcake makers, you have always sold cupcakes to gay people. Because they're people and they like cupcakes just as much as heterosexuals. Also, the legal right to marry hasn't prevented them from having wedding ceremonies. They didn't wait until last summer to start living their lives. If you truly believe you'll burn in hell for all eternity for selling cupcakes to gay people, perhaps you may want to reconsider the religion to which you have devoted your life. I've got to tell you this whole cupcake situation sounds more like a Jonestown predicament than an uplifting spiritual experience.

This being America where we all have religious freedom, I've decided to start my own bakery and arbitrarily deny cupcakes to people who don't meet my high moral standards.


Cupcakes for Jesus: We Reserve the Right to Refuse Service to the Following:

Divorced People - Divorce is frowned upon more times in the Bible than homosexuality. No divorced people shall indulge in my delicious cupcakes, with whipped icing possibly topped with fresh strawberries.

Ministers - The Bible prohibits working on Sundays. I don't know how you've been getting away with it for so long.

Judges - The Bible says, "Judge not, lest ye be judged." This includes all Circuit Court Judges, Appellate Court Judges, Federal Judges, Supreme Court Justices, Miss America Judges, Harry Connick, Jr., Simon Cowell, Jennifer Lopez, Judge Judy and especially Paula Abdul.

All American Idol winners, American Idol judges not previously listed and American Idol hosts - Not making false idols is like, the second commandment. Seacrest, out.

The kids in the apartment above me - No Biblical reason. They've been annoying me all day, running back and forth and jumping up and down. The last thing they need is sugar.

The people who support these bullshit Religious Freedom Bills - Because such bills are simply mean and unkind. I believe the Bible has a thing or two to say about kindness. Specifically, Galatians 5:22-23

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

(In your face, Religious Freedom Riders. It just got deep up in here.)


The Religious Freedom Bills include something even dumber than the cupcake thing - Bathroom Bills. North Carolina has lost businesses, jobs and the musical stylings of Bruce Springsteen because the Governor decided monitoring the pissing habits of his citizens is more important than economic development.

The City of Charlotte passed an ordinance allowing transgender individuals to use the public restroom of the gender to which they identify. The Governor decided to have a literal pissing contest and passed a bill to make Charlotte's ordinance illegal.

Like gay people, transgender people aren't new to society. They didn't start living their lives the moment Bruce became Caitlyn. They've been using public restrooms all this time and no one fucking noticed.

The North Carolina law states people must use the restroom based on the gender of their birth. First of all, no one is going to enforce that law. No police force is going to assign a Special Shitting Unit. Second of all, transgender people aren't the only ones breaking your stupid bathroom rules. Mothers take little boys into the ladies room. Women use the men's room when things are crucial and the line for the ladies room is too long. I've done it and I'll do it again. I'm a pissing rebel.

You don't have to like or understand transgender people, but you have to let them piss in peace. It's a basic human need. As basic as allowing the people of Greensboro to hear "Thunder Road" live. A basic need that has been denied to the good people of Greensboro because the governor decided to be a dick. About pissing. To which Springsteen said, "It's a town full of losers and I'm pulling out of here to win."

Namaste, Bitches

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