Monday, April 18, 2016

An Inconvenient Inconvenience

Why is Sarah Palin still a thing? Because I guess we don't have enough morons dominating the news, Palin is currently promoting a film called Climate Hustle. A film I will only see if I decide to write a blog making fun of it. According to the Climate Hustle website, global warming is a con job. The majority of scientists in the world are in cahoots with the green energy people. The green energy people have an evil agenda, and if they succeed it will return us to a time when water was non-flammable. (If you're interested in seeing a movie that completely dismisses science, I'd like to recommend any of the three Sharknado films, currently streaming on Netflix. At least Sharknado acknowledges global warming is real. Plus, flying sharks.)

For some inexplicable reason, Sarah Palin believes Bill Nye The Science Guy is the leader of the green energy conspiracy to return water to its natural flame-resistant state. She has attacked Bill Nye as only she can. To quote Sarah Palin, "Bill Nye is as much a scientist as I am." If I understand her argument correctly, we shouldn't listen to Bill Nye's theories on global warming because he's not a scientist. But we should listen to Sarah Palin's theories on global warming because she's not a scientist. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Sarah Palin.


Dear Sarah Palin,

Flammable fucking water. Drill baby drill leads to burn baby burn, you dumb bitch.

Yours Truly,

Donna Troy



If you believe science is a thing, you may wonder why people treat science like some voodoo magic when it comes to global warming and yet, use the advancements of modern science in most aspects of their daily lives without question. And you would be right to wonder that. A 2015 Pew Research report found Americans and the Chinese are the least concerned about global warming. Fact. Scientists have found the two countries responsible for the greatest amount of annual CO2 emissions are America and China. Fact.

These assholes choose to treat global warming as a myth because they don't want to admit they fucked up. Not only did they fuck up, they fucked it up for the whole world. And they have billions of green reasons to deny it.

Non-billionaires also deny global warming. These assholes don't want to separate their trash because it's a pain in the ass. They won't learn how to reset timers, so their sprinklers are watering their lawns while it's raining. They drive from store to store in the same shopping center because walking makes their fingers cramp or something. They drive monster trucks disguised as SUVs that take up too much space in the parking garage, causing me to have to park on the seventh floor because there was no way I could get my car into the only available spot on the second floor without hitting that ridiculous truck, which was parked in front of a sign that clearly reads, "Compact Cars Only." Then I had to take the steps up and down from the seventh floor because the elevator is always getting stuck and homeless people pee in it.

I could cite scientific facts and statistics to try to convince global warming deniers it's real, but that obviously doesn't work. They'll shout, "Shenanigans," and cover their ears, which doesn't make much sense because they're reading this. Instead, I've worked out a peace treaty. By the power vested in me by the Evil Green Energy Agenda and our fearless leader, Bill Nye The Science Guy, I hereby initiate The Peace Treaty Between The Green and The Smoke Screen.


The Peace Treaty Between The Green and The Smoke Screen

We, the Evil Green Energy Agenda people, agree to cease our foolish attempts to make the Smoke Screen idiots recycle if they agree to give up a few of the greatest scientific achievements of all time. We ask the Smoke Screen morons to put their money where their mouth is. If they insist upon calling science bullshit, they must prove they can live without it. In return, we, the Evil Green Energy Agenda people, will no longer bother them. Greenpeace will no longer bother them. Go Green Initiative will no longer bother them. Green Day will stop recording albums. Green Hornet will stop fighting crime.

The Smoke Screen nitwits hereby pledge to relinquish all use of the following scientific breakthroughs:

1.
The Internet - Yes, it's science, and not a magical series of tubes, which allows you to read this blog from nearly anywhere on Earth. You must turn in your Internet once you've completely read this blog and all previous blogs on this site. From this moment forward you agree to shop in actual stores, pay your bills through the mail and call your high school friends in lieu of poking them on the Facebook.

2.
The Automobile - Yes, it's science, and not a greased up wrench-monkey named Cooter, which allows you to travel hundreds of miles in a single day. You now agree to travel by walking or bike-riding. This is a win-win-win situation. Less cars means less pollution. You'll be much healthier. Most importantly, I'll get a better parking spot.

3.
Refrigeration - Yes, it's science, and not the Sears Appliance Center, which keeps your food from spoiling. You must immediately give up all refrigerators and freezers in your home. You may not eat at restaurants which use refrigeration to store their food. You should probably stock up on canned foods. I recommend Campbell's Chunky Soup. It's soup that eats like a meal. It's mmm...mmm... good.

4.
Optical Lenses - Yes, it's science, and not the Walmart Vision Center, which allows you to see clearly even though you have poor vision. You may want to adopt a dog and train it to lead you around in lieu of bumping into shit and accidentally groping strangers.

5.
Antibiotics - Yes, it's science, and not Honey Nut Cheerios, which prevents a bacterial infection from damaging all your internal organs. Full disclosure: you may die from a bacterial infection. You may not. I don't know. I'm not a scientist.

If we, the Evil Green Energy Agenda people, receive no response from the Smoke Screen asshats, we'll assume they've accepted this peace treaty and have already given up the Internet.


It's not easy being green.

Namaste, Bitches




Comments:

guytroy2579 said:
Hey, this is your brother. I just wanted to say look for Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens premiering July 31.

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