Tuesday, March 1, 2016

You're a Wonder, Wonder Woman....

Parents of America, please stop telling your children anyone can grow up to be President.  Sure, it's important to be supportive and encouraging, but filling your children's heads with delusions of grandeur isn't helpful.  According to the primary results being announced on my TV right now, it's absolutely terrifying. There is nothing wrong with telling your child that he or she can grow up to be mayor.  Of a small town.  And nothing more.

Of the eleventy hundred people who have run and are still running for President this year, at least three of them have never held public office before.  (If they can run for President, I can make up numbers like eleventy.)  With no prior experience, each decided that he or she is qualified to hold the highest office in our nation.

Separating conjoined twins and performing brain surgery are amazing and worthwhile accomplishments, but I fail to see how this makes Ben Carson qualified to be President.  According to the TV movie about his life, starring Cuba Gooding, Jr., he separated conjoined twins in another country.  (Which country escapes me right now, and I don't feel like looking it up.  If you want to know that bad, you're on the Internet and you can look it up yourself.)  I guess that counts as his foreign policy experience?

I begrudgingly admit that an overwhelming amount of people consider building "yuge" tacky gold eyesores is enough experience and accomplishment to put Trump in the White House.

Although she's out of the race, Carly Fiorina is my favorite of the inexperienced candidates.  She has no accomplishments to speak of and that means she has the biggest balls of all.

I feel inspired by Trump, Carson and Big Balls Fiorina.  Why should I let a total lack of any applicable skills stop me from following my dreams?  It's time for me to embark on new opportunities no matter how stupid they are.  This is America, dammit.


Implausible Career Option
Astronaut

Qualifications
As a child I watched Mr. Wizard's World every day on Nickelodeon.  I would have done the experiments along with the show, but my mom wouldn't let me because she said I'd make a mess.  She wouldn't even let me try the one I wanted to do the most, which was using a pencil to make a record play.  She was afraid I'd scratch one of the many records she NEVER played.  If it weren't for my mom I'd be an astronaut today.  Shit.  Parents of America, forget everything I said before.


Implausible Career Option
Supermodel

Qualifications
Everyone knows supermodels are tall, thin, and beautiful.  I'm five-feet and four-and-a-half-inches tall.  That's right.  I'm a full half-inch taller than the average female height.  I weigh one-hundred-and-something-pounds, so we can check off thin. I believe my profile pic should leave no doubts as to my beauty.



Implausible Career Option
Doctor

Qualifications
I once cured a case of the hiccups.  The afflicted was my roommate, and I'm happy to report that she has since made a full recovery.  Aside from her recent gall bladder surgery, asthma, mild anxiety, and a back thing, she's in perfect health.

If you or someone you love suffers from hiccups, please contact me for a free consultation.


Implausible Career Option
Wonder Woman

Qualifications
I can do the Lynda Carter spin while simultaneously taking my hair down and my glasses off.  I've been practicing for years.  Also, I have an invisible jet, and you can't prove that I don't.


Implausible Career Option
Pimp

Qualifications
I'll cut a motherfucker if I don't get my money.


Namaste, Bitches




Comments:

guytroy2579 said:
Hey, this is your brother. I just wanted to point out that you didn't invent "eleventy". Actually J. R. R. Tolkien (ever hear of Lord of the Rings?) used that word to describe Bilbo's age. Also, Mom wants you to call her. Said she hasn't heard from you in a while.

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