Monday, March 21, 2016

This Is The Song That Never Ends...

Did you know that Barack Obama is still President? You may have forgotten about him because the campaign for the November 2016 election began in April 1986. Choosing a President is an important decision and it shouldn't rushed, but if you need two years to make up your mind, you're probably one of those undecided voters who goes to the voting booth without having made a choice. Make a decision already. You're holding up the line. Or better yet, don't vote at all if you're that stupid.

Wishy-washy people who annoy me aside, our election process needs to be streamlined. If we make a few tweaks to the system I think we can get this thing down to three months.



Presidential Requirements

Everyone with a pulse and Ben Carson announced they were running for President last year. All these people are eligible to run even if Donald Trump perceives them as a threat and makes a dumbass declaration of their ineligibility. Under the Constitution, even lack of a pulse doesn't disqualify a person from becoming a Presidential candidate. Pizza Hut has more requirements for delivery drivers than the Constitution has for President.


Though Pizza Hut delivery people have more of an impact on my daily life than the President, I can't help think it should be harder to run for President than it is to deliver pizza.

The current requirements to run for President:
Must be 35 years of age or older
Must be a natural born citizen
Must be a resident for 14 years

These are truly shitty requirements. Pizza Hut would be sued for discriminatory hiring practices if they used these job requirements. Despite these bullshit rules, over 247 million people are eligible to run for President. Let's get that number down. We don't even require a high school diploma to be President. We'll need an Amendment to the Constitution, which I am proposing and will be referred to as The Pizza Hut Amendment.


The Pizza Hut Presidential Requirements Amendment

Must have a high school diploma or GED.

Must maintain a courteous and professional attitude at all times.

Must have a clean driving record.
(Borrowed that from Pizza Hut.)

Must have two years related experience in public office even if it is mayor of Allgood, Alabama. (Actual town. Population: 622)

Both the candidate and the candidate's spouse must be natural born citizens.
(I'm leaving this in because I fear a President Schwarzenegger. I added the spouse because I fear a First Lady Melania.)

Must have strong problem solving capabilities, be a self-starter and a team player. As a potential President you will be called upon to solve many problems.
During the hiring process you'll be asked how you may solve a hypothetical problem. We require a detailed and specific response. We will not accept answers such as, "If there was a problem, Yo, I'll solve it. Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it."
(Donald Trump is to the Presidency as Vanilla Ice is to rapping.)

Must have strong verbal and written communication skills. [Proficiency with MS Office a plus.] The American people need a clear message from the President. Please refrain from language that may be confusing or misleading.
For example: If a Presidential candidate were to say that Mexicans are rapists and follow that by saying, "Some, I assume, are good people," is he saying some Mexicans are good people or some rapists are good people? It's important for an informed electorate to know how a candidate feels toward rapists.

I took out the age requirement. If the American people want to vote for a candidate wearing a Justin Bieber tee shirt, then the American people deserve a President with Bieber fever. The natural born citizen rule will prevent Justin Bieber himself from becoming President.


Nominating Process

The nominating process will begin in August of an election year. The Pizza Hut Requirements should narrow the field of candidates. To be on the safe side, we will allow no more than five candidates for each party. Candidates will be chosen on a first-come-first-serve basis. The first five people to announce their candidacy in both parties are the candidates. If you're the sixth person to announce, we'll keep your résumé on file. Please feel free to apply again in four years.

Republicans and Democrats will have one debate each. Tom Brokaw is to come out of retirement to moderate the debates because CNN doesn't understand that news anchors shouldn't have names like Wolf and Poppy. How can you be the most trusted name in news when you trust people named Wolf and Poppy?

Candidates will be eliminated during the debates, thus ending the need for delegates, super delegates, Super Tuesdays, Super Saturdays, and Super Mario Brothers. I have no fucking clue what a super delegate is and I have no desire to learn. You may think immediate elimination on live TV is treating the Presidential debates like a reality show. It is.


Causes For Immediate Elimination During the Debate

Mentioning what your parents did for a living. No one cares if your mom was a maid and your dad was a chicken plucker. Brokaw's not having that shit.

Joking about the size of your dick or the size of your opponent's dick. Brokaw's not having that shit. (Thanks, Marco Rubio. You gave the whole country nightmares about Donald Trump's tiny orange dick.)

Invoking September 11th for political gain. (Just. Don't.) Brokaw's not having that shit.

Bitching about your opponents having more time to talk than you. Brokaw's not having that shit.

Agreeing to the rules of the debate, then blatantly not following them. Brokaw's not having that shit.

Any candidate who breaks these rules will hear Tom Brokaw say, "Brokaw's not having that shit." You must immediately return to your hotel room, pack your bags and leave.

Most of the candidates will break these rules within the first twenty minutes of the debate. The two candidates remaining are our nominees.

Some people may feel it's unfair they no longer get to caucus or vote in primaries. Too bad. Some people have been voting for Donald Trump. Brokaw's not having that shit.


Namaste, Bitches

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