Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Bare Naked Ladies

Donald Trump attacked Heidi Cruz because Melania Trump posed nude for GQ magazine. Then Ted Cruz and The Donald traded insults via Twitter, which prompted the National Enquirer to run a piece accusing Ted Cruz of adultery. This has truly been an enlightening episode in our democratic process. I learned Ted Cruz has a wife and her name is Heidi.

Because Trump is a narcissist who needs constant attention like a two-year-old, he feigned outrage that the nude photo of Melania was "leaked." He does have a point. The photo was taken aboard his private jet by the photographers of British GQ for publication in their magazine. Obviously, it was a private photo meant only to be seen by Trump and his closest friends. His closest friends being the entire United Kingdom.

The photo was "leaked" in an evil plan hatched by anti-Trump people. They believed some uptight, puritanical people would object to a photo of Melania naked on a fur rug while handcuffed to a briefcase. In truly devious evil-plan fashion, they argued this isn't the First Lady image America would like to project. This evil plan was foiled as they didn't know Trump had beans to spill on Heidi Cruz.

Beans. Were Spilled.

In the tradition of all classy, sophisticated, worldly billionaires and Presidential candidates, Trump eloquently explained why Heidi Cruz would be a disaster as First Lady. She's ugly. Just look at that face.



She's obviously hideous, with her perfect teeth and flawless skin. If you're like me, you had no idea Heidi Cruz was ugly until Trump told us. I'm so grateful he brought this significant issue to light, enabling voters to make an informed decision.

People are unfairly labeling Donald a misogynist just because he believes having a young hot wife makes him a bigger man. Also, because he judges women by their looks. And also, because he makes no attempt to hide his hatred for intelligent women who won't pose nude on a fur rug aboard his private jet. And also, because he uses sexists terms like bimbo. And also, because he said he would like to date his daughter. And also, remember this lady?



Carolyn Kepcher, former Trump executive and star of The Apprentice. Trump fired her because she became famous on his reality show and he didn't care to share the attention. He then replaced her with his daughter whom he would like to date.

To be fair, other than Heidi and Carolyn, Donald has only publicly bashed a few other women: Rosie O'Donnell, Martha Stewart, Carly Fiorina, Hillary Clinton, Cher, Barbara Walters, Bette Midler, Michelle Malkin, Arianna Huffington, Kim Kardashian, Rhianna, Miss Universe, Columba Bush, Ivana Trump, Marla Maples and Megyn Kelly.

In addition to Donald being unfairly portrayed as the villain, some people believe Melania Trump is a victim of slut shaming. By "some people" I mean Donald and Melania Trump. Slut shaming isn't a thing. Women who pose nude for photos make a choice knowing some people will find that choice distasteful. Whether it's Kim Kardashian-West or a possible future First Lady, these women aren't victims as the term slut shaming would imply. It's not slut shaming. It's slut naming.

Kardashian-West and Melania Trump have more in common than the recent backlash over their nudie pics. They're both "models." They're both famous because... ? They both married rich, egocentric, willfully ignorant assholes who believe they were meant for greater things like being President or Jesus. Both of their husbands are grown men who fight with strangers on Twitter because that’s mature behavior worthy of the President or Jesus. Both of their husbands gave their sons arrogant names like Saint and Barron. Why would any woman put up with this bullshit?

Now, I ain't saying she's a gold digger, but...

Namaste, Bitches

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