Sunday, March 13, 2016

An Open Letter to Trump Supporters Who May Still Yet Be Saved

Dear Trump Supporters Who May Still Yet Be Saved,

What the fuck is your problem?

Like Anne Frank and her stepsister, I still believe most people are really good at heart. So what the fuck is your problem?

Donald Trump doesn't care about you. Donald Trump cares about Donald Trump. Do you really believe a man who dips everything he owns in gold knows anything about the struggles of a guy who wears a camouflage ball cap? He doesn't. (Why do so many of you wear camouflage ball caps? It's not a good look.)

Seriously, though, what the fuck is your problem? Let's work through your anger together.

Do you have a job?
If your answer is yes, what the fuck is your problem?
If your answer is no, did your job go overseas?
If your answer is yes, did you really enjoy telemarketing?
If your answer is yes, you are lying.

Do you have a home?
If your answer is yes, what the fuck is your problem?
If your answer is no, is your answer because your house was foreclosed upon and you live in an apartment now?
If so, you're the reason rent prices got jacked the hell up and I had to get a roommate. Don't buy a house you can't afford.
If your answer is no and you're living on the street, are you stealing someone's WiFi in order to read this blog?
Because that won't help you get off the streets. (But please be sure to share this blog with all your friends.)

Do you have a car?
If your answer is yes, what the fuck is your problem?
If your answer is no, take the bus or walk. What the fuck is your problem?
If your answer is yes, I have a car and I'm living in it, that sucks.

Do you have food?
If your answer is yes, what the fuck is your problem?
If your answer is no, you're lying. It's impossible not to find food in America.

Do you have lead-free water?
If your answer is yes, you don't live in Michigan.
If your answer is no, you live in Michigan. People of Michigan, that is fucked up. Your anger makes sense.

Look, Trump Supporters Who May Still Yet Be Saved, Trump is dangerous. America isn't perfect, but it's good enough that your Nazi-like anger is incomprehensible. You have a job, a home, a car, food and some of you have lead-free water. You have a good life. Deal with your anger and let go of Trump. It's not too late to stop the Trumpocalypse. I beg of you to reconsider your vote. In the words of the late Rodney King, "Stop it. That hurts."

Namaste, Bitches

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